FUNNY CONGRESS QUOTES

"Congress is so strange. A man gets up to speak and says nothing. Nobody listens—and then everybody disagrees."

— Boris Marshalov

"Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself."

— Mark Twain

"The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."

— Will Rogers

"This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer."

— Will Rogers

"I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the streets and frighten the horses."

— Victor Hugo

"In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress."

— John Adams, second US president

"I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress."

— Ronald Reagan

"We may not imagine how our lives could be more frustrating and complex—but Congress can."

— Cullen Hightower

"Congress consists of one third, more or less, scoundrels; two thirds, more or less, idiots; and three thirds, more or less, poltroons."

— H. L. Mencken

"If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?"

— Unknown

"You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think."

— Milton Berle

"To hear some men talk of the government, you would suppose that Congress was the law of gravitation, and kept the planets in their places."

— Wendell Phillips

"They say that women talk too much. If you have worked in Congress, you know that the filibuster was invented by men."

— Clare Boothe Luce

"Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate; now what's going to happen to us with both a Senate and a House?"

— Will Rogers

"The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5' 7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone."

— Woody Allen

"Of course, the truth is that the congresspersons are too busy raising campaign money to read the laws they pass. The laws are written by staff tax nerds who can put pretty much any wording they want in there. I bet that if you actually read the entire vastness of the US tax code, you'd find at least one sex scene. ("Yes, yes, YES!" moaned Vanessa as Lance, his taut body moist with moisture, again and again depreciated her adjusted gross rate of annualized fiscal debenture...)"

— Dave Barry

"Politics is the entertainment branch of industry."

— Frank Zappa

"Being elected to Congress is regarded as being sent on a looting raid for one's friends."

— George Will

"Son, if you can't take their money, drink their whiskey, screw their women, and then vote against 'em, you don't deserve to be here."

— Sam Rayburn, former Speaker of the House

"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman."

— Bruce Baum

"The defense budget is more than a piggy bank for people who want to get busy beating swords into pork barrels."

— George H. W. Bush (41st US president)

From Roger Ramjet

Roger Ramjet: "General, listen. What's that?"

General G.I. Brassbottom: "It's either turkeys gobbling or Congress is back in session."

From Family Guy

[Explaining his Halloween costume]

Dale: "I am a high-priced Washington lobbyist peddling influence... Who wants candy?"

From The Simpsons

Smithers [to Homer]: "Your new duties will include answering Mr. Burns' phone, preparing his tax return, moistening his eyeballs, assisting with his chewing and swallowing, lying to Congress, and some light typing."

From Charlie Wilson's War

Joanne Herring: "Why is Congress saying one thing and doing nothing?"

Charlie Wilson: "Well, tradition mostly."

From Mark Twain Tonight!

Mark Twain: "I was very particular about the kind of job I wanted. I didn't want to work. So I went over to the Congress, that Grand Old Benevolent National Asylum for the Helpless, and I reported on the inmates there."

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"Congress is not an ATM."

— Robert Byrd, US Sentator from West Virginia

"The mistakes made by Congress wouldn't be so bad if the next Congress didn't keep trying to correct them."

— Cullen Hightower

"The budget is like a mythical bean bag. Congress votes mythical beans into it, then reaches in and tries to pull real ones out."

— Will Rodgers

"Talk is cheap—except when Congress does it."

— Cullen Hightower

"Fleas can be taught nearly anything a congressman can."

— Mark Twain

"Congress:  Bingo with billions."

— Red Skelton

"The American Republic will endure until the day Congress discovers that it can bribe the public with the public's money."

— Alexis de Tocqueville

"Can any of you seriously say the Bill of Rights could get through Congress today? It wouldn't even get out of committee."

— F. Lee Bailey

"If the present Congress errs in too much talking, how can it be otherwise in a body to which the people send one hundred and fifty lawyers, whose trade it is to question everything, yield nothing, and talk by the hour?"

— Thomas Jefferson