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FUNNY MILITARY QUOTES

Salute these funny military quotes! They include some famous military quotes, battle quotes, anti-war quotes, and homosexuals-in-the-military quotes—all funny! Aye, aye, cap'n!

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Funny Military Quotes ...
GENERAL

REAR, n. In American military matters, that exposed part of the army that is nearest to Congress.

Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

"Why does the Air Force need expensive new bombers? Have the people we've been bombing over the years been complaining?"

George Wallace

"We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.'"

Elayne Boosler

"I had examined myself pretty thoroughly and discovered that I was unfit for military service."

Joseph Heller, author of Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."

Groucho Marx

Army food: the spoils of war

Unknown

"When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me 85 dollars. That is why in the Navy the Captain goes down with the ship."

Dick Gregory

"The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is generally employed only by small children and large nations."

David Friedman

"The object of war is not to die for your country, but to make the other bastard die for his."

General George S. Patton

"It will be a great day when our schools have all the money they need, and our air force has to have a bake-sale to buy a bomber."

Robert Fulghum

"I am not fond of speaking about politics because I don't have in my possession an army of 200,000 soldiers."

Frank Liszt

"My fellow Americans. I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes."

President Reagan, before a scheduled radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on

"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."

Napoleon Bonaparte

"War is God's way of teaching Americans geography."

Ambrose Bierce

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait."

A. Whitney Brown, during First Gulf War

VALOR, n. A soldierly compound of vanity, duty and the gambler's hope.
"Why have you halted?" roared the commander of a division and Chickamauga, who had ordered a charge. "Move forward, sir, at once."
"General," said the commander of the delinquent brigade, "I am persuaded that any further display of valor by my troops will bring them into collision with the enemy."/p>

Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary


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Funny Famous Military Quotes ...
CAN DO, SIR!

"The difficult we do immediately; the impossible takes a little longer."

Air Force Motto

"We, the willing, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have now done so much for so long with so little, we are now capable of doing anything with nothing."

Unknown

Radio Operator: "Is there anything that we can provide?"
Response from Marine Commander on Wake Island: "Send us more Japs!"

Reported to be one of the last radio transmissions received from the Marines on Wake Island before it fell to the Japanese, 1941   (This colorful telling is somewhat apocryphal -- see this Wikipedia article for what really happened --GP)

"My rule is: If you meet the weakest vessel, attack. If it is a vessel equal to yours, attack. And if it is stronger than yours, also attack."

Stepan O. Makarov, Russian Admiral

"Onward we stagger, and if the tanks come, may God help the tanks."

Col. William O. Darby, US Rangers

"Gentlemen, we are being killed on the beaches. Lets go inland and be killed."

General Norman Cota, Omaha Beach, 1944

"We are not retreating—we are advancing in another direction."

General Douglas MacArthur


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Funny 'Homosexuals in Military' Quotes ...
GAYS IN THE MILITARY

"Soldiers who are not afraid of guns, bombs, capture, torture, or death say they are afraid of homosexuals. Clearly we should not be used as soldiers; we should be used as weapons."

— Letter to the editor from an anonymous homosexual in The Advocate

"My hope is that gays will be running the world, because then there would be no war. Just a greater emphasis on military apparel."

Roseanne Barr

"The one bonus of not lifting the ban on gays in the military is that the next time the government mandates a draft, we can all declare we are homosexual instead of running off to Canada."

Lorne Bloch

"You don't have to be straight to be in the military; you just have to be able to shoot straight."

Barry Goldwater

 

Funny Military Quotes ...
THAT'S INSUBORDINATION, MISTER!

"You really can't blame the military for wanting to go to war [in Iraq]. They've got all these new toys and they want to know whether they work or not."

Andy Rooney

"The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion. Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed and color, but also on ability."

Tom Lehrer

"Before a war, military science seems a real science, like astronomy; but after a war, it seems more like astrology."

Rebecca West

 

Funny Military Quotes ...
GETTING THE LAST WORD

"War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military."

Georges Clemenceau

"The military don't start wars. Politicians start wars."

William Westmoreland



 

THE EVER-POPULAR TORTURED SEGUE

 

graphic image of Ipod Whether the subject is military matters or civilian subjects, disinformation is something we citizens need to outflank. That means demoting the hopelessly uninformative, under-done and over-spun mainstream media. Grinning Planet's weekly MP3 news service is a good place to start your quest for truthful news.



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FUNNY MILITARY QUOTE

If you know of a funny military quote that I missed, please email it to me. Provide the text of the quote and who said it (and, if you have it, a web reference where we can verify the text and the spelling of the person's name, etc.). So... email me a quote. Thanks!

 

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AUDIO CLIPS
WIN THE INFO WAR

CATEGORY:  EMPIRE, FINANCIAL — 07.APR.2014

Rating: 3 of 5 - Good, worth a listen Corbett Report

Global Imperialism, Currency Wars, and Decoupling from the Bankster System — James Corbett talks about the crisis of civilization, as the gaping maw of the global empire starts to turn inward to gobble up its own. Topics include the collapse of the dollar reserve paradigm and the threat it poses to the average man or woman; Putin and Russia's gambit; ways that people can disengage from the military-banker system and avoid being crushed by its machinations and perturbations.
Go to page  |  Download/listen   32:25

GP comment:  BitCoin and other global alternative currencies will always, one way or another, eventually be absorbed, co-opted, or taken down by the establishment financial system. More hope lies in local currencies and true lifestyle change. Have you stopped using your credit card yet? (And remember, even if you get your card from your local bank or credit union, the banksters run the back end and still make their money.)

Original Show Pub Date: 31.Mar.2014

CATEGORY:  FINANCIAL — 04.APR.2014

Rating: 4 of 5 - Very good The Real World of Money

Andrew Gause on Money Printing and Infrastructure, the SS Trust Fund, Taking Over the Federal Reserve, more — Andrew Gause's topics include ... TPTB are creating lots of new money, but they clearly don't think it should be used for infrastructure in US; why the Social Security Trust Fund doesn’t exist; why China's currency being a reserve currency is unlikely; why we should not dissolve the Federal Reserve System but rather should just have Treasury take it over for the benefit of all taxpayers; the troubles Mr. Putin is having with the banksters.
Go to page  |  Download/listen   1:00:53

GP comment:  In the end, circumstances may prove him right about investing in collectible coins, but just remember that the premium price commanded by a collectible collapses if everything else collapses.

Original Show Pub Date: 02.Apr.2014

CATEGORY:  EMPIRE — 03.APR.2014

Rating: 4 of 5 - Very good Guns and Butter

The Deep State, from WWII to Present — Historian Peter Dale Scott discusses the rise of the Deep State—a covert organization with the CIA at its heart that pulls the strings of the world. Topics include the importance of the illicit drug trade to the behavior of the US empire; before there was an Israel there was a Mossad trying to get Israel set up; the "rat lines"—a sort of underground railroad that smuggled both Nazis and Jews out of Germany; the War on Drugs as just another facet of the CIA-controlled drug trade.
Go to page  |  Download/listen   59:52

GP comment:  Excellent point about the War on Drugs being undertaken to make the illicit side more profitable. More broadly, the machine always seeks to profit off both sides of any duality.

Original Show Pub Date: 19.Mar.2014

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PROTESTERS PRETEND TO BE OUTRAGED OVER FUNNY FAKE MILITARY NEWS

Keeping with the theme of funny phony stories about military stuff, here are four short audio clips from The Onion.

(1) Pentagon Gets Twelve Weapons For A Penny From Columbia Missile And Tank Club

(2) New Defense Appropriations Bill Finally Allows Army To Buy Nice Bullets

(3) Pentagon Develops New Tank To Defend Marriage

(4) NORAD Headquarters Crawling With Missile Weevils

 

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GIVING IRAQ THE BIRD OVER OIL FORTUNE

A brilliant bit of satire from two British comedians named Bird & Fortune about the Iraq war, control of Iraqi oil, and (shhh!) permanent American military bases there. Via YouTube. Go there

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