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FUNNY MILITARY QUOTES

Salute these funny military quotes! They include some famous military quotes, battle quotes, anti-war quotes, and homosexuals-in-the-military quotes—all funny! Aye, aye, cap'n!

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Funny Military Quotes ...
GENERAL

REAR, n. In American military matters, that exposed part of the army that is nearest to Congress.

Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

"Why does the Air Force need expensive new bombers? Have the people we've been bombing over the years been complaining?"

George Wallace

"We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.'"

Elayne Boosler

"I had examined myself pretty thoroughly and discovered that I was unfit for military service."

Joseph Heller, author of Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."

Groucho Marx

Army food: the spoils of war

Unknown

"When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me 85 dollars. That is why in the Navy the Captain goes down with the ship."

Dick Gregory

"The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is generally employed only by small children and large nations."

David Friedman

"The object of war is not to die for your country, but to make the other bastard die for his."

General George S. Patton

"It will be a great day when our schools have all the money they need, and our air force has to have a bake-sale to buy a bomber."

Robert Fulghum

"I am not fond of speaking about politics because I don't have in my possession an army of 200,000 soldiers."

Frank Liszt

"My fellow Americans. I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes."

President Reagan, before a scheduled radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on

"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."

Napoleon Bonaparte

"War is God's way of teaching Americans geography."

Ambrose Bierce

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait."

A. Whitney Brown, during First Gulf War

VALOR, n. A soldierly compound of vanity, duty and the gambler's hope.
"Why have you halted?" roared the commander of a division and Chickamauga, who had ordered a charge. "Move forward, sir, at once."
"General," said the commander of the delinquent brigade, "I am persuaded that any further display of valor by my troops will bring them into collision with the enemy."/p>

Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary


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Funny Famous Military Quotes ...
CAN DO, SIR!

"The difficult we do immediately; the impossible takes a little longer."

Air Force Motto

"We, the willing, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have now done so much for so long with so little, we are now capable of doing anything with nothing."

Unknown

Radio Operator: "Is there anything that we can provide?"
Response from Marine Commander on Wake Island: "Send us more Japs!"

Reported to be one of the last radio transmissions received from the Marines on Wake Island before it fell to the Japanese, 1941   (This colorful telling is somewhat apocryphal -- see this Wikipedia article for what really happened --GP)

"My rule is: If you meet the weakest vessel, attack. If it is a vessel equal to yours, attack. And if it is stronger than yours, also attack."

Stepan O. Makarov, Russian Admiral

"Onward we stagger, and if the tanks come, may God help the tanks."

Col. William O. Darby, US Rangers

"Gentlemen, we are being killed on the beaches. Lets go inland and be killed."

General Norman Cota, Omaha Beach, 1944

"We are not retreating—we are advancing in another direction."

General Douglas MacArthur


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Funny 'Homosexuals in Military' Quotes ...
GAYS IN THE MILITARY

"Soldiers who are not afraid of guns, bombs, capture, torture, or death say they are afraid of homosexuals. Clearly we should not be used as soldiers; we should be used as weapons."

— Letter to the editor from an anonymous homosexual in The Advocate

"My hope is that gays will be running the world, because then there would be no war. Just a greater emphasis on military apparel."

Roseanne Barr

"The one bonus of not lifting the ban on gays in the military is that the next time the government mandates a draft, we can all declare we are homosexual instead of running off to Canada."

Lorne Bloch

"You don't have to be straight to be in the military; you just have to be able to shoot straight."

Barry Goldwater

 

Funny Military Quotes ...
THAT'S INSUBORDINATION, MISTER!

"You really can't blame the military for wanting to go to war [in Iraq]. They've got all these new toys and they want to know whether they work or not."

Andy Rooney

"The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion. Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed and color, but also on ability."

Tom Lehrer

"Before a war, military science seems a real science, like astronomy; but after a war, it seems more like astrology."

Rebecca West

 

Funny Military Quotes ...
GETTING THE LAST WORD

"War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military."

Georges Clemenceau

"The military don't start wars. Politicians start wars."

William Westmoreland



 

THE EVER-POPULAR TORTURED SEGUE

 

graphic image of Ipod Whether the subject is military matters or civilian subjects, disinformation is something we citizens need to outflank. That means demoting the hopelessly uninformative, under-done and over-spun mainstream media. Grinning Planet's weekly MP3 news service is a good place to start your quest for truthful news.



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FUNNY MILITARY QUOTE

If you know of a funny military quote that I missed, please email it to me. Provide the text of the quote and who said it (and, if you have it, a web reference where we can verify the text and the spelling of the person's name, etc.). So... email me a quote. Thanks!

 

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AUDIO CLIPS
WIN THE INFO WAR

CATEGORY:  EMPIRE — 01.OCT.2014

Rating: 3 of 5 - Good, worth a listen Progressive Commentary Hour

Policing for Profit — Eric Balaban of the ACLU discusses the reemergence of debtor’s prisons and the social strategy to incarcerate the poor. ~~ Darpana Sheth, an attorney with the Institute for Justice, discusses the rise in civil forfeiture—where the cops take your property without arresting or charging you—as profit-making schemes for local law enforcement.
Go to page  |  Download/listen   1:03:13

GP comment:  Gary Null continually over-frames the issues, but the guests are quite good. And these are very important issues.

Original Show Pub Date: 23.Sep.2014

CATEGORY:  EMPIRE — 22.SEP.2014

Rating: 4 of 5 - Very good Unwelcome Guests

Lifting The Money Veil on the CIA's Off-the-Books Funding — Off-the-books funding has routinely funded CIA operations since its inception. Emile De Antonio reviews the history of state-assisted drug trafficking as a funding source for covert operations. He also talks about key deep-state operatives, including George H.W. Bush. ~~ Journalist Craig Unger discusses the failure of the commercially controlled media to report on the collapse of WTC Building 7. ~~ Peter Dale Scott discusses the early history of the CIA and explains how post-WW2-captured funds worked as seed money to make sure that even before there was a CIA there was a black budget available for off-the-books operations.
Go to page A  |  Download/listen A   59:36
Go to page B  |  Download/listen B   59:36

GP comment:  Not quite must-listening, but close. Highly recommended.

Original Show Pub Date: 06.Sep.2014

CATEGORY:  EMPIRE, FINANCIAL, COLLAPSE — 05.SEP.2014

Rating: 5 of 5 - Must-listening! ExtraEnvironmentalist

Falling Empires — John Michael Greer offers a superb summary of the US as an empire, covering important topics such as .... the US as the first empire that does not call itself one; empire as a means of extracting wealth from outside the empire and transferring it inside the empire; the role of energy in the development of the US empire; the doubletalk of empire; how empires transition to oligarchies and ultimately end; why a new constitutional convention as a path to reclaiming democracy might backfire. ~~ Then Chris Martenson talks about the financial system as the most likely sector to have an empire-threatening catastrophe.
Go to page  |  Download/listen   2:06:35

GP comment:  I have a few minor differences with both Greer and Martenson, but overall, they present a clear and coherent picture of empire and inevitable collapse. Greer may turn out to be right that no one is in charge of the crazy train, but I doubt it. There's too much at stake for those who covet money and power, and the rest of us are mostly just trying to survive our little lives.

Original Show Pub Date: 02.Sep.2014

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PROTESTERS PRETEND TO BE OUTRAGED OVER FUNNY FAKE MILITARY NEWS

Keeping with the theme of funny phony stories about military stuff, here are four short audio clips from The Onion.

(1) Pentagon Gets Twelve Weapons For A Penny From Columbia Missile And Tank Club

(2) New Defense Appropriations Bill Finally Allows Army To Buy Nice Bullets

(3) Pentagon Develops New Tank To Defend Marriage

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GIVING IRAQ THE BIRD OVER OIL FORTUNE

A brilliant bit of satire from two British comedians named Bird & Fortune about the Iraq war, control of Iraqi oil, and (shhh!) permanent American military bases there. Via YouTube. Go there

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