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FUNNY MILITARY QUOTES

Salute these funny military quotes! They include some famous military quotes, battle quotes, anti-war quotes, and homosexuals-in-the-military quotes—all funny! Aye, aye, cap'n!

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Funny Military Quotes ...
GENERAL

REAR, n. In American military matters, that exposed part of the army that is nearest to Congress.

Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

"Why does the Air Force need expensive new bombers? Have the people we've been bombing over the years been complaining?"

George Wallace

"We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.'"

Elayne Boosler

"I had examined myself pretty thoroughly and discovered that I was unfit for military service."

Joseph Heller, author of Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."

Groucho Marx

Army food: the spoils of war

Unknown

"When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me 85 dollars. That is why in the Navy the Captain goes down with the ship."

Dick Gregory

"The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is generally employed only by small children and large nations."

David Friedman

"The object of war is not to die for your country, but to make the other bastard die for his."

General George S. Patton

"It will be a great day when our schools have all the money they need, and our air force has to have a bake-sale to buy a bomber."

Robert Fulghum

"I am not fond of speaking about politics because I don't have in my possession an army of 200,000 soldiers."

Frank Liszt

"My fellow Americans. I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes."

President Reagan, before a scheduled radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on

"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."

Napoleon Bonaparte

"War is God's way of teaching Americans geography."

Ambrose Bierce

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait."

A. Whitney Brown, during First Gulf War

VALOR, n. A soldierly compound of vanity, duty and the gambler's hope.
"Why have you halted?" roared the commander of a division and Chickamauga, who had ordered a charge. "Move forward, sir, at once."
"General," said the commander of the delinquent brigade, "I am persuaded that any further display of valor by my troops will bring them into collision with the enemy."/p>

Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary


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Funny Famous Military Quotes ...
CAN DO, SIR!

"The difficult we do immediately; the impossible takes a little longer."

Air Force Motto

"We, the willing, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have now done so much for so long with so little, we are now capable of doing anything with nothing."

Unknown

Radio Operator: "Is there anything that we can provide?"
Response from Marine Commander on Wake Island: "Send us more Japs!"

Reported to be one of the last radio transmissions received from the Marines on Wake Island before it fell to the Japanese, 1941   (This colorful telling is somewhat apocryphal -- see this Wikipedia article for what really happened --GP)

"My rule is: If you meet the weakest vessel, attack. If it is a vessel equal to yours, attack. And if it is stronger than yours, also attack."

Stepan O. Makarov, Russian Admiral

"Onward we stagger, and if the tanks come, may God help the tanks."

Col. William O. Darby, US Rangers

"Gentlemen, we are being killed on the beaches. Lets go inland and be killed."

General Norman Cota, Omaha Beach, 1944

"We are not retreating—we are advancing in another direction."

General Douglas MacArthur


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Funny 'Homosexuals in Military' Quotes ...
GAYS IN THE MILITARY

"Soldiers who are not afraid of guns, bombs, capture, torture, or death say they are afraid of homosexuals. Clearly we should not be used as soldiers; we should be used as weapons."

— Letter to the editor from an anonymous homosexual in The Advocate

"My hope is that gays will be running the world, because then there would be no war. Just a greater emphasis on military apparel."

Roseanne Barr

"The one bonus of not lifting the ban on gays in the military is that the next time the government mandates a draft, we can all declare we are homosexual instead of running off to Canada."

Lorne Bloch

"You don't have to be straight to be in the military; you just have to be able to shoot straight."

Barry Goldwater

 

Funny Military Quotes ...
THAT'S INSUBORDINATION, MISTER!

"You really can't blame the military for wanting to go to war [in Iraq]. They've got all these new toys and they want to know whether they work or not."

Andy Rooney

"The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion. Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed and color, but also on ability."

Tom Lehrer

"Before a war, military science seems a real science, like astronomy; but after a war, it seems more like astrology."

Rebecca West

 

Funny Military Quotes ...
GETTING THE LAST WORD

"War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military."

Georges Clemenceau

"The military don't start wars. Politicians start wars."

William Westmoreland



 

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FUNNY MILITARY QUOTE

If you know of a funny military quote that I missed, please email it to me. Provide the text of the quote and who said it (and, if you have it, a web reference where we can verify the text and the spelling of the person's name, etc.). So... email me a quote. Thanks!

 

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AUDIO CLIPS
WIN THE INFO WAR

CATEGORY:  HISTORY, FINANCIAL — 14.FEB.2015

Rating: 4 of 5 - Very good Peak Prosperity

Either We Break the Bankster Alliances or They Will Break Us — Nomi Prins reviews the historical circumstances that led to the formation of the big-bank-controlled Federal Reserve; that is, how the financial foxes were put in charge of the public's hen house. She then explains how many rich US elites in the late 1800s/early 1900s thought that keeping money flowing and not being too draconian helped the masses, which in turn helped the elites maintain the system that provided the wealth. But some bankers were not of a mind to play the game this way, and Louis Brandeis warned: "We must break the Money Trust or the Money Trust will break us." Nomi Prins says we are headed into a new era of high banker mischief, vast income gaps, and reckless behavior among leaders and elites. She says we must take heed of Brandeis' warning and take down the banker-corporate-politician-industrial complex.
Go to page  |  Download/listen   52:45

GP comment:  I have passed on a couple of Prins interviews earlier this year, but here she is starting to step outside the envelope and address the bankster power structure as the criminal enterprise that it truly is.

Original Show Pub Date: 31.Jan.2015

CATEGORY:  MEDIA, EMPIRE — 13.FEB.2015

Rating: 4 of 5 - Very good Democracy Now

Endless War, Endless War Spin — As Obama talks about a new major cycle of the war on terror—this time against the Islamic State—Norman Solomon of the Institute for Public Accuracy says Obama talks about not being interested in "endless war" but is doing more than any previous president to engage the US in exactly that. Solomon also says Brain Williams' worst lies about war were not his exaggerations of his personal experiences reporting from danger zones but rather his parroting the war propaganda of both the Bush and Obama administrations and his failure to challenge any aspect of the corrupt endless-war agenda. Of course, all the big names in media did the same. Finally, Solomon talks about the case of CIA whistleblower Jeffrey Sterling, who has been persecuted for exposing a dodgy CIA operation to the Senate Intelligence Committee.
Watch A  |  Watch B  |  Watch C
Download/listen   17:18

GP comment:  Solomon is very good here. The title of his book gives some indication of his tone: War Made Easy: How Presidents and Pundits Keep Spinning Us to Death.

Original Show Pub Date: 12.Feb.2015 ~~ Original story titles ... Endless War? Obama Sends Congress Expansive Anti-ISIS Measure 6 Months After Bombing Began ~~ Brian Williams Suspended for False Iraq Tale, But Media's Real Scandal is the War Lies Spun Daily ~~ Was Jeffrey Sterling Trial a Gov't Effort to Divide Investigative Journalists & Whistleblowers?

CATEGORY:  EMPIRE — 11.FEB.2015

Rating: 5 of 5 - Must-listening! Uprising

Understanding the Roots of Terrorism—Theirs and Ours — Much of President Obama's record-breaking defense budget proposal will fund proxy wars around the globe. The US is training and arming Sunni tribal groups in Iraq to fight ISIS, and it may soon begin supplying weapons to the Ukrainian military against Russia. Drone strikes continue to take their toll in Yemen and elsewhere. Meanwhile, a jingoistic film called ĎAmerican Sniperí glorifies killing and demonizes Muslims with virtually no historical context. Chris Hedges says most Americans accept the myth of American rightness and do-goodism while ignoring the obvious parallels in the terrorism practiced by the US and the terrorism practiced by ISIS and their ilk. He says the empire is not only busy abroad but is also quietly pre-positioning suppressive-force capabilities on the home front, in preparation for the inevitable pushback from the masses as their impoverishment worsens.
Go to page  |  Download/listen   27:32

GP comment:  Many excellent points in this one.

Original Show Pub Date: 09.Feb.2015

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PROTESTERS PRETEND TO BE OUTRAGED OVER FUNNY FAKE MILITARY NEWS

Keeping with the theme of funny phony stories about military stuff, here are four short audio clips from The Onion.

(1) Pentagon Gets Twelve Weapons For A Penny From Columbia Missile And Tank Club

(2) New Defense Appropriations Bill Finally Allows Army To Buy Nice Bullets

(3) Pentagon Develops New Tank To Defend Marriage

(4) NORAD Headquarters Crawling With Missile Weevils

 

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GIVING IRAQ THE BIRD OVER OIL FORTUNE

A brilliant bit of satire from two British comedians named Bird & Fortune about the Iraq war, control of Iraqi oil, and (shhh!) permanent American military bases there. Via YouTube. Go there

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