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FUNNY MILITARY QUOTES

Salute these funny military quotes! They include some famous military quotes, battle quotes, anti-war quotes, and homosexuals-in-the-military quotes—all funny! Aye, aye, cap'n!

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Funny Military Quotes ...
GENERAL

REAR, n. In American military matters, that exposed part of the army that is nearest to Congress.

Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

"Why does the Air Force need expensive new bombers? Have the people we've been bombing over the years been complaining?"

George Wallace

"We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.'"

Elayne Boosler

"I had examined myself pretty thoroughly and discovered that I was unfit for military service."

Joseph Heller, author of Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."

Groucho Marx

Army food: the spoils of war

Unknown

"When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me 85 dollars. That is why in the Navy the Captain goes down with the ship."

Dick Gregory

"The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is generally employed only by small children and large nations."

David Friedman

"The object of war is not to die for your country, but to make the other bastard die for his."

General George S. Patton

"It will be a great day when our schools have all the money they need, and our air force has to have a bake-sale to buy a bomber."

Robert Fulghum

"I am not fond of speaking about politics because I don't have in my possession an army of 200,000 soldiers."

Frank Liszt

"My fellow Americans. I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes."

President Reagan, before a scheduled radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on

"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."

Napoleon Bonaparte

"War is God's way of teaching Americans geography."

Ambrose Bierce

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait."

A. Whitney Brown, during First Gulf War

VALOR, n. A soldierly compound of vanity, duty and the gambler's hope.
"Why have you halted?" roared the commander of a division and Chickamauga, who had ordered a charge. "Move forward, sir, at once."
"General," said the commander of the delinquent brigade, "I am persuaded that any further display of valor by my troops will bring them into collision with the enemy."/p>

Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary


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Funny Famous Military Quotes ...
CAN DO, SIR!

"The difficult we do immediately; the impossible takes a little longer."

Air Force Motto

"We, the willing, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have now done so much for so long with so little, we are now capable of doing anything with nothing."

Unknown

Radio Operator: "Is there anything that we can provide?"
Response from Marine Commander on Wake Island: "Send us more Japs!"

Reported to be one of the last radio transmissions received from the Marines on Wake Island before it fell to the Japanese, 1941   (This colorful telling is somewhat apocryphal -- see this Wikipedia article for what really happened --GP)

"My rule is: If you meet the weakest vessel, attack. If it is a vessel equal to yours, attack. And if it is stronger than yours, also attack."

Stepan O. Makarov, Russian Admiral

"Onward we stagger, and if the tanks come, may God help the tanks."

Col. William O. Darby, US Rangers

"Gentlemen, we are being killed on the beaches. Lets go inland and be killed."

General Norman Cota, Omaha Beach, 1944

"We are not retreating—we are advancing in another direction."

General Douglas MacArthur


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Funny 'Homosexuals in Military' Quotes ...
GAYS IN THE MILITARY

"Soldiers who are not afraid of guns, bombs, capture, torture, or death say they are afraid of homosexuals. Clearly we should not be used as soldiers; we should be used as weapons."

— Letter to the editor from an anonymous homosexual in The Advocate

"My hope is that gays will be running the world, because then there would be no war. Just a greater emphasis on military apparel."

Roseanne Barr

"The one bonus of not lifting the ban on gays in the military is that the next time the government mandates a draft, we can all declare we are homosexual instead of running off to Canada."

Lorne Bloch

"You don't have to be straight to be in the military; you just have to be able to shoot straight."

Barry Goldwater

 

Funny Military Quotes ...
THAT'S INSUBORDINATION, MISTER!

"You really can't blame the military for wanting to go to war [in Iraq]. They've got all these new toys and they want to know whether they work or not."

Andy Rooney

"The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion. Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed and color, but also on ability."

Tom Lehrer

"Before a war, military science seems a real science, like astronomy; but after a war, it seems more like astrology."

Rebecca West

 

Funny Military Quotes ...
GETTING THE LAST WORD

"War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military."

Georges Clemenceau

"The military don't start wars. Politicians start wars."

William Westmoreland



 

THE EVER-POPULAR TORTURED SEGUE

 

graphic image of Ipod Whether the subject is military matters or civilian subjects, disinformation is something we citizens need to outflank. That means demoting the hopelessly uninformative, under-done and over-spun mainstream media. Grinning Planet's weekly MP3 news service is a good place to start your quest for truthful news.



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FUNNY MILITARY QUOTE

If you know of a funny military quote that I missed, please email it to me. Provide the text of the quote and who said it (and, if you have it, a web reference where we can verify the text and the spelling of the person's name, etc.). So... email me a quote. Thanks!

 

Feed Your Brain!
AUDIO CLIPS
WIN THE INFO WAR

CATEGORY:  EMPIRE — 09.AUG.2014

Rating: 4 of 5 - Very good Democracy Now

"President O'Bombing"—US Airstrikes Begin Anew in Iraq — US military aircraft carried out airstrikes in northern Iraq in an attempt to halt sweeping advances by ISIS. Phyllis Bennis, a fellow at the Institute for Policy Studies, discusses the situation.
Watch  |  Download/listen   19:23

GP comment:  Beyond Amy Goodman's priceless "President O'Bombing" slip, this clip is pretty good because the guest puts the latest US insanity in context.

Original Show Pub Date: 08.Aug.2014

CATEGORY:  EMPIRE, MEDIA — 14.JUL.2014

Rating: 4 of 5 - Very good Democracy Now

The Impact of WikiLeaks' Nearly 8 Million Released Documents — Julian Assange reviews of some of the important shifts that have happed as a result of Wikileaks and similar reporting efforts, including the Collateral Murder video, the US decision to leave Afghanistan, and corrupt influence practices by the US in other countries. He also explains why the new supposedly independent media outlet "The Intercept" may prove to be limited by its elite ownership.
Watch  |  Download/listen   16:51

GP comment:  Assange makes an interesting point that the de facto circumstances of his embassy environs, as limited by the threat of arrest if he leaves the building, do not even meet the international standard for fresh air and light for POWs.

Original Show Pub Date: 09.Jul.2014

CATEGORY:  FINANCIAL — 24.JUL.2014

Rating: 4 of 5 - Very good The Keiser Report

Sub-Prime Car Loans and the Next Bubble — Max Keiser and Stacy Herbert discuss the emergence of a building bubble in the car loan market. It's a new subprime loan scam that will end in heartache for unqualified borrowers, bank-bailout taxes for the rest of us when the rescue packages get forced on us, and more bonuses for the clever banksters who keep coming up with these schemes.
Watch  |  Download/listen   12:25

GP comment:  In the collapse of the subprime housing bubble, the media aimed the blame at unqualified borrowers. That was ridiculous—whether unlucky, stupid, or greedy, those borrowers took their lumps by losing their houses. The banks, on the other hand, did not take their lumps—the richie riches got a bailout. Will it be the same when the car loan bubble bursts?

Original Show Pub Date: 22.Jul.2014

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PROTESTERS PRETEND TO BE OUTRAGED OVER FUNNY FAKE MILITARY NEWS

Keeping with the theme of funny phony stories about military stuff, here are four short audio clips from The Onion.

(1) Pentagon Gets Twelve Weapons For A Penny From Columbia Missile And Tank Club

(2) New Defense Appropriations Bill Finally Allows Army To Buy Nice Bullets

(3) Pentagon Develops New Tank To Defend Marriage

(4) NORAD Headquarters Crawling With Missile Weevils

 

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GIVING IRAQ THE BIRD OVER OIL FORTUNE

A brilliant bit of satire from two British comedians named Bird & Fortune about the Iraq war, control of Iraqi oil, and (shhh!) permanent American military bases there. Via YouTube. Go there

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