FUNNY FLYING QUOTES

"Both optimists and pessimists contribute to the society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute."

— George Bernard Shaw

"If black boxes survive air crashes, why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?"

— George Carlin

"If Beethoven had been killed in a plane crash at the age of 22, it would have changed the history of music... and of aviation."

— Tom Stoppard

"If God had really intended men to fly, he'd have made it easier to get to the airport."

— George Winters

"You define a good flight by negatives: you didn't get hijacked, you didn't crash, you didn't throw up, you weren't late, you weren't nauseated by the food. So you are grateful."

— Paul Theroux

"The odds against there being a bomb on a plane are a million to one; and against two bombs, a million times a million to one. Next time you fly, cut the odds and take a bomb."

— Benny Hill

"Every time I fly and am forced to remove my shoes. I'm grateful Richard Reid is not known as the Underwear Bomber."

— Douglas Manuel

"I don't have a fear of flying; I have a fear of crashing."

— Billy Bob Thornton

"I quit flying years ago. I don't want to die with tourists."

— Billy Bob Thornton

"The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage."

— Mark Russell

"I have to say that flying on Air Force One sort of spoils you for coach on a regular airline."

— Ron Reagan

"I think getting drunk is the key to flying comfortably. A couple of Bloody Marys or several glasses of champagne, and suddenly it's like you're on a roller coaster."

— Amanda Peet

"In America there are two classes of travel—first class, and with children."

— Robert Benchley

"Did I ever tell you about a nasty habit that flight attendants pick up on the job? We learn to always keep smiling, even when we're out of Bloody Mary mix."

— Eric Wald, View From The Top

"Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror."

— Pappy Boyington, WWII pilot

"Landing on the ship during the daytime is like sex: it's either good or it's great. Landing on the ship at night is like a trip to the dentist: you may get away with no pain, but you just don't feel comfortable."

— LCDR Thomas Quinn, US Navy

"In the Alaska bush, I'd rather have a two-hour bladder and three hours of gas than vice versa."

— Kurt Wien

"There is an art, or rather a knack, to flying. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss."

— Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

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From Futurama

Fry: "I used to dream about being an astronaut. I just never had the grades. Or the physical endurance. Plus I threw up a lot and nobody liked spending a week with me."

From Airplane

Captain Kramer: "Flying a plane is no different from riding a bicycle. It's just a lot harder to put baseball cards in the spokes."

From A Few Good Men

Kaffie: "I don't like flying because I'm afraid of crashing into a large mountain. I don't think Dramamine is going to help."

From Calvin and Hobbes

Calvin: "Buttons—check.  Dials—check.  Switches—check.  Little colored lights—check."

From Calvin and Hobbes

Calvin: "Leader, bandits at 2 o'clock!"

Hobbes: "Roger! It's only 1:30 now—what'll I do 'til then?"

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"If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater, because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song."

— Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts

"Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk."

— Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts

"Man is flying too fast for a world that is round. Soon he will catch up with himself in a great rear end collision."

— James Thurber