FUNNY JUDGE QUOTES

"Judge: a law student who marks his own papers."

— H. L. Mencken

"She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook."

— Tommy Manville

PRECEDENT, n. In law, a previous decision, rule or practice which, in the absence of a definite statute, has whatever force and authority a judge may choose to give it, thereby greatly simplifying his task of doing as he pleases.

— Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

"Criminal court is where bad people are on their best behavior. It's much more dangerous for lawyers and judges in family court, where good people are at their worst."

— Richard Dooling

"While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously."

— Tim Allen

"Some people try to get out of jury duty by lying. You don't have to lie. Tell the judge the truth. Tell him you'd make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people."

— George Carlin

"Beauty fades. Dumb is forever."

— Judge Judy

"I only do one thing at a time; otherwise, I get confused and then I can't trick you."

— Judge Judy

[During a trial in which Mae West was accused of indecency on stage]

Judge: "Miss West, are you trying to show contempt for this court?"

Mae West: "On the contrary, your honor, I was doin' my best to conceal it."

From Judge Dredd

Judge Dredd: "Shoot 'em!"

Ferguson: "I've never fired a gun in my life!"

Judge Dredd: "You haven't? What the-hell kind of criminal are you?"

Ferguson: "A nice criminal!"

[approaching the MegaCity wall]

Ferguson: "C'mon, Dredd, there is no way in. Are you even listening to me? We can't just knock on the wall and say, 'Hello, Cursed Earth Pizza.' "

Judge Dredd: "There is a way in. Ten years ago, two refugees figured it out: Through the city's incinerator, there's a flame burst twice a minute, that means they have only 30 seconds to run through before it flames again."

Ferguson: "These refugees, they made it through, right?"

Judge Dredd: "Actually, they were roasted. But, the theory's sound. Shall we?"

Ilsa: "Bitch!"

Judge Hershey: "Judge Bitch."

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From My Cousin Vinny

Judge Haller: "Mr. Gambini, didn't I tell you that the next time you appear in my court that you should dress appropriately?"

Vinny Gambini: "You were serious about that?"

Vinny: "Your honor, may I have permission to treat Ms. Vito as a hostile witness?"

Mona Lisa Vito: "You think I'm hostile now, wait 'til you see me tonight."

Judge Haller: "Do you two know each other?"

Vinny: "Yeah, she's my fiancée."

Judge Haller: "Well, that would certainly explain the hostility."

Vinny: "I object to this witness being called at this time. We've been given no prior notice he would testify. No discovery of any tests he's conducted or reports he's prepared. And as the court is aware, the defense is entitled to advance notice of all witnesses who will testify, particularly those who will give scientific evidence, so that we can properly prepare for cross-examination, as well as give the defense an opportunity to have his reports reviewed by a defense expert, who might then be in a position to contradict the veracity of his conclusions."

Judge Haller: "Mr. Gambini?"

Vinny: "Yes, sir?"

Judge Haller: "That is a lucid, intelligent, well-thought-out objection."

Vinny: "Thank you, sir."

Judge Haller: "Overruled."

Vinny: "It is possible that the two yutes..."

Judge Haller: "Uh... did you say 'yutes'?"

Vinny: "Yeah, two yutes."

Judge Haller: "What is a yute?"

Vinny: "Oh, excuse me, your honor... [exaggerated] two youths."

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From Liar Liar

Judge Stevens: "Mr. Reede, one more word out of you, and I will hold you in contempt!"

Fletcher: "I hold myself in contempt! Why should you be any different?"

Fletcher: "Your honor, I object!"

Judge: "Why?"

Fletcher: "Because it's devastating to my case!"

Judge: "Overruled."

Fletcher: "Good call!"

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From Ally McBeal

Judge Dennis 'Happy' Boyle: "Members of the jury, our witness has a small piece of spinach caught in an incisor. Now, when oral decay starts to build up between the tooth and the gum, bacteria starts to build colonies. Even the most nutritious vegetable can turn into Vietnam."

From Boston Legal

Judge Phillip Stevens: "Except you don't want to argue it, counsel. You want to argue 'not guilt' and have 'insanity' as a fall-back. Two defenses for the price of one."

From Boston Legal

Denny Crane: "Watch it, judge, we're a superpower. Don't make us add you to the axis."

From The Practice

Judge Roberta Kittleson: "Oh, please. A mind is like a wound. If it's too open, you get an infection."

From The Simpsons

Lionel Hutz: "And as for your case, don't you worry. I've argued in front of every judge in the state. Often as a lawyer."

From Rumpole of the Bailey

Horace Rumpole [thinking to himself]: "A fair judge, an upright judge—always a terrible danger to the defense!"

From Monty Python

One effeminate high court judge to the other: Objection 'ere, objection there. And that nice policeman giving his evidence so well, lovely speaking voice. Anyway, in the end I just banged me little gavel."

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"I am a judge of cresses," said the peasant, as he was eating hemlock.

— Danish Proverb

"Don't ask a dog to judge between a pillar and a tree."

— Darkovan Proverb

"A fool judges people by the presents they give him."

— Chinese Proverb

"A country can be judged by the quality of its proverbs."

— German Proverb

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."

— Groucho Marx

"I think fish is nice, but then I think that rain is wet, so who am I to judge?"

— Douglas Adams

"Thomas Jefferson once said, 'We should never judge a president by his age, only by his works.' And ever since he told me that, I stopped worrying."

— Ronald Reagan

"Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them."

— Oscar Wilde

"To judge from the notions expounded by theologians, one must conclude that God created most men simply with a view to crowding hell."

— Marquis de Sade

"Saints should always be judged guilty until they are proved innocent."

— George Orwell

"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."

— Groucho Marx

"The man who says he is willing to meet you halfway is usually a poor judge of distance."

— Laurence J. Peter

"Never judge a book by its movie."

— J. W. Eagan

"Billy Graham talks about how he doesn't judge people. I don't either. Some people I am just pissed at."

— Jessica Hahn