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FUNNY QUOTES - JAIL/PRISON/BAIL

You're in the big house of funny prison quotes. We've posted funny bail quotes to get these innocent funny jail quotes out of lockup.

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Funny Jail/Bail/Prison Quotes ...
GENERAL

"A man of courage never needs weapons, but he may need bail."

Lewis Mumford

"I don't like jail; they got the wrong kind of bars in there."

Charles Bukowski

"If it weren't for my lawyer, I'd still be in prison. It went a lot faster with two people digging."

Joe Martin, Mister Boffo

"They're not supposed to show prison films in prison. Especially ones that are about escaping."

Steve Buscemi

"Don't do drugs because if you do drugs you'll go to prison, and drugs are really expensive in prison."

John Hardwick


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Funny Bail/Jail/Prison Quotes ...
FROM TV

From Alfred Hitchcock Presents

chalk outline of Alfred Hitchcock Intro to "The Better Bargain": "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. A special word to those of you who have been arrested while speeding home to see this show. I can do nothing to bail you out. And I'm afraid the magistrate is only slightly in my debt. I shall, however, do everything I can to make you forget your troubles. Tonight's narrative is about gangsters. And I thought I'd best test some of the props."

From The Simpsons

Homer Simpson: "Don't tell my kids I'm going to jail. Tell them I joined the Blue Man Group.... [whispering] I'm the fat one."

Adam Sandler as Opera Man From Saturday Night Live

Opera Man (Adam Sandler):
Amy Fisher, Buddafuco...
El narc-o, el shoot-o!
In jail-o, No bail-o...
Senora, you're a whor-a!

From The Simpsons

Mr. Burns: "This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you."

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Funny Prison/Jail/Bail Quotes ...
TAKES A MINUTE

"HABEAS CORPUS. A writ by which a man may be taken out of jail when confined for the wrong crime."

Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

"The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence."

H. L. Mencken

 
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If you know of a funny quote that I missed, please email it to me. Provide the text of the quote and who said it (and, if you have it, a web reference where we can verify the text and the spelling of the person's name, etc.). So... email me a quote. Thanks!

 

Feed Your Brain!
AUDIO CLIPS
ABOUT CIVIL RIGHTS AND TPTB

CATEGORY:  EMPIRE — 01.OCT.2014

Rating: 3 of 5 - Good, worth a listen Progressive Commentary Hour

Policing for Profit — Eric Balaban of the ACLU discusses the reemergence of debtor’s prisons and the social strategy to incarcerate the poor. ~~ Darpana Sheth, an attorney with the Institute for Justice, discusses the rise in civil forfeiture—where the cops take your property without arresting or charging you—as profit-making schemes for local law enforcement.
Go to page  |  Download/listen   1:03:13

GP comment:  Gary Null continually over-frames the issues, but the guests are quite good. And these are very important issues.

Original Show Pub Date: 23.Sep.2014

CATEGORY:  EMPIRE — 22.SEP.2014

Rating: 4 of 5 - Very good Unwelcome Guests

Lifting The Money Veil on the CIA's Off-the-Books Funding — Off-the-books funding has routinely funded CIA operations since its inception. Emile De Antonio reviews the history of state-assisted drug trafficking as a funding source for covert operations. He also talks about key deep-state operatives, including George H.W. Bush. ~~ Journalist Craig Unger discusses the failure of the commercially controlled media to report on the collapse of WTC Building 7. ~~ Peter Dale Scott discusses the early history of the CIA and explains how post-WW2-captured funds worked as seed money to make sure that even before there was a CIA there was a black budget available for off-the-books operations.
Go to page A  |  Download/listen A   59:36
Go to page B  |  Download/listen B   59:36

GP comment:  Not quite must-listening, but close. Highly recommended.

Original Show Pub Date: 06.Sep.2014

CATEGORY:  EMPIRE, FINANCIAL, COLLAPSE — 05.SEP.2014

Rating: 5 of 5 - Must-listening! ExtraEnvironmentalist

Falling Empires — John Michael Greer offers a superb summary of the US as an empire, covering important topics such as .... the US as the first empire that does not call itself one; empire as a means of extracting wealth from outside the empire and transferring it inside the empire; the role of energy in the development of the US empire; the doubletalk of empire; how empires transition to oligarchies and ultimately end; why a new constitutional convention as a path to reclaiming democracy might backfire. ~~ Then Chris Martenson talks about the financial system as the most likely sector to have an empire-threatening catastrophe.
Go to page  |  Download/listen   2:06:35

GP comment:  I have a few minor differences with both Greer and Martenson, but overall, they present a clear and coherent picture of empire and inevitable collapse. Greer may turn out to be right that no one is in charge of the crazy train, but I doubt it. There's too much at stake for those who covet money and power, and the rest of us are mostly just trying to survive our little lives.

Original Show Pub Date: 02.Sep.2014

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RELATED SONG
Funny Jail/Bail/Prison Quotes

Graham Nash - Prison Song link; thumb of Graham Nash album cover

GRAHAM NASH –
“PRISON SONG”

And here's a song to sing
For every man inside;
If he can hear you sing,
It's an open door.
There's not a rich man there
Who couldn't pay his way
And buy the freedom that's a
High price for the poor.

A classic from Graham Nash. Hear/see "Prison Song" music video with lyrics.

Other options:
Environmental Songs
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