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FUNNY QUOTES - JAIL/PRISON/BAIL

You're in the big house of funny prison quotes. We've posted funny bail quotes to get these innocent funny jail quotes out of lockup.

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Funny Jail/Bail/Prison Quotes ...
GENERAL

"A man of courage never needs weapons, but he may need bail."

Lewis Mumford

"I don't like jail; they got the wrong kind of bars in there."

Charles Bukowski

"If it weren't for my lawyer, I'd still be in prison. It went a lot faster with two people digging."

Joe Martin, Mister Boffo

"They're not supposed to show prison films in prison. Especially ones that are about escaping."

Steve Buscemi

"Don't do drugs because if you do drugs you'll go to prison, and drugs are really expensive in prison."

John Hardwick


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Funny Bail/Jail/Prison Quotes ...
FROM TV

From Alfred Hitchcock Presents

chalk outline of Alfred Hitchcock Intro to "The Better Bargain": "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. A special word to those of you who have been arrested while speeding home to see this show. I can do nothing to bail you out. And I'm afraid the magistrate is only slightly in my debt. I shall, however, do everything I can to make you forget your troubles. Tonight's narrative is about gangsters. And I thought I'd best test some of the props."

From The Simpsons

Homer Simpson: "Don't tell my kids I'm going to jail. Tell them I joined the Blue Man Group.... [whispering] I'm the fat one."

Adam Sandler as Opera Man From Saturday Night Live

Opera Man (Adam Sandler):
Amy Fisher, Buddafuco...
El narc-o, el shoot-o!
In jail-o, No bail-o...
Senora, you're a whor-a!

From The Simpsons

Mr. Burns: "This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you."

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Funny Prison/Jail/Bail Quotes ...
TAKES A MINUTE

"HABEAS CORPUS. A writ by which a man may be taken out of jail when confined for the wrong crime."

Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

"The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence."

H. L. Mencken

 
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If you know of a funny quote that I missed, please email it to me. Provide the text of the quote and who said it (and, if you have it, a web reference where we can verify the text and the spelling of the person's name, etc.). So... email me a quote. Thanks!

 

Feed Your Brain!
AUDIO CLIPS
ABOUT CIVIL RIGHTS AND TPTB

CATEGORY:  HISTORY, FINANCIAL — 14.FEB.2015

Rating: 4 of 5 - Very good Peak Prosperity

Either We Break the Bankster Alliances or They Will Break Us — Nomi Prins reviews the historical circumstances that led to the formation of the big-bank-controlled Federal Reserve; that is, how the financial foxes were put in charge of the public's hen house. She then explains how many rich US elites in the late 1800s/early 1900s thought that keeping money flowing and not being too draconian helped the masses, which in turn helped the elites maintain the system that provided the wealth. But some bankers were not of a mind to play the game this way, and Louis Brandeis warned: "We must break the Money Trust or the Money Trust will break us." Nomi Prins says we are headed into a new era of high banker mischief, vast income gaps, and reckless behavior among leaders and elites. She says we must take heed of Brandeis' warning and take down the banker-corporate-politician-industrial complex.
Go to page  |  Download/listen   52:45

GP comment:  I have passed on a couple of Prins interviews earlier this year, but here she is starting to step outside the envelope and address the bankster power structure as the criminal enterprise that it truly is.

Original Show Pub Date: 31.Jan.2015

CATEGORY:  MEDIA, EMPIRE — 13.FEB.2015

Rating: 4 of 5 - Very good Democracy Now

Endless War, Endless War Spin — As Obama talks about a new major cycle of the war on terror—this time against the Islamic State—Norman Solomon of the Institute for Public Accuracy says Obama talks about not being interested in "endless war" but is doing more than any previous president to engage the US in exactly that. Solomon also says Brain Williams' worst lies about war were not his exaggerations of his personal experiences reporting from danger zones but rather his parroting the war propaganda of both the Bush and Obama administrations and his failure to challenge any aspect of the corrupt endless-war agenda. Of course, all the big names in media did the same. Finally, Solomon talks about the case of CIA whistleblower Jeffrey Sterling, who has been persecuted for exposing a dodgy CIA operation to the Senate Intelligence Committee.
Watch A  |  Watch B  |  Watch C
Download/listen   17:18

GP comment:  Solomon is very good here. The title of his book gives some indication of his tone: War Made Easy: How Presidents and Pundits Keep Spinning Us to Death.

Original Show Pub Date: 12.Feb.2015 ~~ Original story titles ... Endless War? Obama Sends Congress Expansive Anti-ISIS Measure 6 Months After Bombing Began ~~ Brian Williams Suspended for False Iraq Tale, But Media's Real Scandal is the War Lies Spun Daily ~~ Was Jeffrey Sterling Trial a Gov't Effort to Divide Investigative Journalists & Whistleblowers?

CATEGORY:  EMPIRE — 11.FEB.2015

Rating: 5 of 5 - Must-listening! Uprising

Understanding the Roots of Terrorism—Theirs and Ours — Much of President Obama's record-breaking defense budget proposal will fund proxy wars around the globe. The US is training and arming Sunni tribal groups in Iraq to fight ISIS, and it may soon begin supplying weapons to the Ukrainian military against Russia. Drone strikes continue to take their toll in Yemen and elsewhere. Meanwhile, a jingoistic film called ĎAmerican Sniperí glorifies killing and demonizes Muslims with virtually no historical context. Chris Hedges says most Americans accept the myth of American rightness and do-goodism while ignoring the obvious parallels in the terrorism practiced by the US and the terrorism practiced by ISIS and their ilk. He says the empire is not only busy abroad but is also quietly pre-positioning suppressive-force capabilities on the home front, in preparation for the inevitable pushback from the masses as their impoverishment worsens.
Go to page  |  Download/listen   27:32

GP comment:  Many excellent points in this one.

Original Show Pub Date: 09.Feb.2015

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RELATED SONG
Funny Jail/Bail/Prison Quotes

Graham Nash - Prison Song link; thumb of Graham Nash album cover

GRAHAM NASH –
“PRISON SONG”

And here's a song to sing
For every man inside;
If he can hear you sing,
It's an open door.
There's not a rich man there
Who couldn't pay his way
And buy the freedom that's a
High price for the poor.

A classic from Graham Nash. Hear/see "Prison Song" music video with lyrics.

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