FUNNY WAITRESS QUOTES

"I'd probably be famous now if I wasn't such a good waitress."

— Jane Siberry, avant garde musician
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"When the waitress puts the dinner on the table, the old men look at the dinner. The young men look at the waitress."

— Gelett Burgess, Look Eleven Years Younger

"I don't love comedy but I can watch someone who's kind of interesting forever. I think a waitress who's having a bad day is a lot more fun than Robin Williams doing forty minutes of material."

— Bruce McCulloch

From Waitress

Dr. Pomatter: "I want to talk to you, somewhere outside of here. Maybe we can have a coffee or something?"

Jenna: "I can't have coffee, it's on the bad food list you gave to me. What kind of doctor are you?"

From 3rd Rock from the Sun

Dr. Mary Albright: "He's an idiot."

Waitress: "Honey, they're all idiots. But that one's looking at you like you're the only girl on Earth. And although you're real pretty, you're not exactly the last ham sandwich in Hungry Town, if you get my drift."

From Roseanne

Roseanne [to Becky, who walks in wearing her skimpy waitress outfit]: "So, did you make many tips tonight? Or won't you know 'til you shake out your underpants?"

From Cheers

Diane: "Sam, if I am to serve both as a waitress and a butt of jokes, I think I should make more money."

Carla: "Yeah, what does a good butt make in this town?"

From Homicide: Life on the Street

Potential Waitress: "I'm not really a waitress. I write. One-acts."

Det. Munch: "Huh, one-act plays."

Potential Waitress: "Read them and we'll talk about them, okay?"

Det. Lewis: "You're a writer and you had to ask me for a pen?"

Potential Waitress: "My life is total irony."

From Just Shoot Me!

Elliot: "So you guys claim to have the world's best blueberry pie. I'll be the judge of that."

Waitress: "Oh, no, it's the great pie judge. What if you don't like it? I'll have to return to my village in shame."

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A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date, but couldn't get her attention. When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away. Finally he followed her into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation. To his amazement, she readily consented. He said, "Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn't even make eye contact."

"Oh," said the waitress, "I thought you wanted more coffee."

[Yogi Berra orders a pizza]

Waitress: "How many pieces do you want your pie cut?"

Yogi: "Four. I don't think I could eat eight."

Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream."

The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"