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FUNNY WAITER QUOTES

Today we're serving up an order of funny waiter quotes. For our tip, your laughs will be plenty!

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Funny Waiter Quotes ...
FROM TV AND MOVIES

From Fawlty Towers

Mr. Arrad: "Excuse me."

Basil Fawlty: "Yes?"

Mr. Arrad: "Look, we've been waiting here for about half an hour now; I mean, I gave the waiter our order..."

Basil Fawlty: "Oh, him. He's hopeless, isn't he?"

Mr. Arrad: "Yes, well, I don't wish to complain, but when he does bring something he's got it wrong."

Basil Fawlty: "You think I don't know? I mean, you only have to eat here. We have to live with it. I had to pay his fare all the way from Barcelona, but you can't get the staff, you see. It's a nightmare."

From House of Mouse

Max: "Head waiter is the easiest job. All you do is order the penguins around and read the funny menu."

From The Cowboy Way

Waiter at Waldorf Astoria: "And would you care to order wine with your meal?"

Pepper: "Uh, yah, why don't you bring us a bottle of something or other, uh, not too sweet, American."

Waiter: "'American something or other'—yes, sir, an excellent choice. And would you like glasses, or do you prefer to drink directly from the bottle?"

Pepper: "Well, um, glasses I reckon. And, oh, hey, toss a little ice in mine if you would, my good man."

Waiter: "Ice. Certainly, sir. Nothing could surprise me now."

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Humorous Waiter Quotes That Are ...
FUNNY BUT NOT SURE WHY

"I never taste the wine first in restaurants, I just ask the waiter to pour."

Nigella Lawson

"The best number for a dinner party is two; myself and a damn good head waiter."

Nubar Gulbenkian

"There are things you just can't do in life. You can't beat the phone company, you can't make a waiter see you until he's ready to see you, and you can't go home again."

Bill Bryson

"The British tourist is always happy abroad as long as the natives are waiters."

Robert Morley


FREE AUDIO CLIPS

free audio news clips link; image of zombie kid - DON'T BE A MAINSTREAM MEDIA DRONE! - Free MP3 news download at Grinning Planet
 

Funny Waiter Quotes ...
IN JOKE FORM

John was furious when his steak arrived too rare.

"Waiter," he shouted, "Didn't you hear me say 'well done'?"

"I can't thank you enough, sir," replied the waiter. "I hardly ever get a compliment."

A waiter approached the man studying the menu carefully at the fancy restaurant. "May I take your order, sir?" he asked.

"Well, I was wondering how you prepare your chickens." The man replied.

"Oh, it's nothing too special, sir," said the waiter. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."

Epitaph for a dead waiter:
"God finally caught his eye."

George S. Kaufman

"With my wife, I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me."

Rodney Dangerfield

"I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.' "

Phyllis Diller

"The age of your children is a key factor in how quickly you are served in a restaurant. We once had a waiter in Canada who said, 'Could I get you your check?' and we answered, 'How about the menus first?'"

Erma Bombeck

 

Funny Quotes About Waiters From ...
CAFE BEYOND

"I went into a French restaurant and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'"

Tommy Cooper

"A cannibal is a person who walks into a restaurant and orders a waiter."

Morey Amsterdam

"Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant, filled with odd waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like."

Lemony Snicket,
      A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Slippery Slope

"[The waiters'] eyes sparkled and their pencils flew as she proceeded to eviscerate my wallet—paté, Whitstable oysters, a sole, filet mignon, and a favorite salad of the Nizam of Hyderabad made of shredded five-pound notes."

S. J. Perelman, The Rising Gorge



 

THE EVER-POPULAR TORTURED SEGUE

 

mercury in fish article link; thumb of can of tuna You tell the waiter you want the fish special, and he insists that you have a side order of mercury. What?? That's crazy! Yes, but you might want to check out our article on mercury in fish to find out which fish have the problem—and why ...

 

Funny Waiter Quotes
COMM. CENTER & RELATED STUFF

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Jokes/Cartoons (General)

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FUNNY WAITER QUOTE

If you know of a funny waiter quote that I missed, please email it to me. Provide the text of the quote and who said it (and, if you have it, a web reference where we can verify the text and the spelling of the person's name, etc.). So... email me a quote. Thanks!

 

Feed Your Brain!
AUDIO CLIPS
FOOD & NUTRITION

CATEGORY:  FOOD, AGRICULTURE — 07.JUL.2014

Rating: 3 of 5 - Good, worth a listen The Lifeboat Hour

Reclaiming the Future of Food — Michael Brownlee, founder of Local Food Shift in Colorado, explains what we're not being told about our food. Topics include the unholy alliance between Big Food, Big Ag, and Big Pharma; the systematic suppression of local food options; water issues; radical climate shift and agricultural output.
Go to page  |  Download/listen   56:01

GP comment:  This is generally good, though I find it rather laughable that he promotes agriponics—a growing technology that is solidly in the "industrial agriculture" basket—as part of the solution to food sustainability.

Original Show Pub Date: 06.Jul.2014

CATEGORY:  FOOD — 28.JUN.2014

Rating: 4 of 5 - Very good Diet Science

Truvia—Sweetener or Insecticide? — The sweetener Truvia is touted as natural, but one of its major components comes from GMO corn and acts as an insecticide on certain bugs. Is Truvia OK for humans?
Go to page  |  Download/listen   7:33

GP comment:  Sweeteners—there's always a catch.

Original Show Pub Date: 23.Jun.2014

CATEGORY:  FOOD, GMOs, CHEMICALS, HEALTH — 28.MAY.2014

Rating: 4 of 5 - Very good One Radio Network

Glyphosate—Either It Goes Away or We Go Away — Stephanie Seneff is a Senior Research Scientist at MIT. She's been studying the effects of GMOs and glyphosate, the primary herbicide used with GMOs, and what she has discovered is devastating: Glyphosate is ubiquitous and exposure is toxic, leading her to conclude that we either ban glyphosate's use or we prepare to die off. Topics include ... glyphosate and gut bacteria; glyphosate as a cause of fungal infections; glyphosate vs. bees, bats and other animals; Europe, Russia, China, and others pushing back against GMOs.
Go to page  |  Download/listen   1:03:24

GP comment:  GMOs are bad, bad, bad. And now they even spray glyphosate on non-GMO wheat as part of the harvest process? Eat organic!

Original Show Pub Date: 20.May.2014

MORE

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ANIMATION RELATED TO
Funny Waiter Quotes

waiter and two diners; click to go to video page

THE ABSENT-MINDED WAITER

An amusing, classic video short about a waiter who is absent-minded—or is his mind absent altogether?—featuring Steve Martin, Buck Henry, and Teri Garr. It gets off to a slow start, but there's a pretty good payoff at the end. Via YouTube. Watch funny waiter video.

Or see more ...
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Cartoon - Waitress Humor
       
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