FUNNY WAITER QUOTES

From Fawlty Towers

Mr. Arrad: "Excuse me."

Basil Fawlty: "Yes?"

Mr. Arrad: "Look, we've been waiting here for about half an hour now; I mean, I gave the waiter our order..."

Basil Fawlty: "Oh, him. He's hopeless, isn't he?"

Mr. Arrad: "Yes, well, I don't wish to complain, but when he does bring something he's got it wrong."

Basil Fawlty: "You think I don't know? I mean, you only have to eat here. We have to live with it. I had to pay his fare all the way from Barcelona, but you can't get the staff, you see. It's a nightmare."

From House of Mouse

Max: "Head waiter is the easiest job. All you do is order the penguins around and read the funny menu."

From The Cowboy Way

Waiter at Waldorf Astoria: "And would you care to order wine with your meal?"

Pepper: "Uh, yah, why don't you bring us a bottle of something or other, uh, not too sweet, American."

Waiter: "'American something or other'—yes, sir, an excellent choice. And would you like glasses, or do you prefer to drink directly from the bottle?"

Pepper: "Well, um, glasses I reckon. And, oh, hey, toss a little ice in mine if you would, my good man."

Waiter: "Ice. Certainly, sir. Nothing could surprise me now."

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"I never taste the wine first in restaurants, I just ask the waiter to pour."

— Nigella Lawson

"The best number for a dinner party is two; myself and a damn good head waiter."

— Nubar Gulbenkian

"There are things you just can't do in life. You can't beat the phone company, you can't make a waiter see you until he's ready to see you, and you can't go home again."

— Bill Bryson

"The British tourist is always happy abroad as long as the natives are waiters."

— Robert Morley

John was furious when his steak arrived too rare.

"Waiter," he shouted, "Didn't you hear me say 'well done'?"

"I can't thank you enough, sir," replied the waiter. "I hardly ever get a compliment."

A waiter approached the man studying the menu carefully at the fancy restaurant. "May I take your order, sir?" he asked.

"Well, I was wondering how you prepare your chickens." The man replied.

"Oh, it's nothing too special, sir," said the waiter. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."

Epitaph for a dead waiter:
"God finally caught his eye."

— George S. Kaufman

"With my wife, I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me."

— Rodney Dangerfield

"I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.' "

— Phyllis Diller

"The age of your children is a key factor in how quickly you are served in a restaurant. We once had a waiter in Canada who said, 'Could I get you your check?' and we answered, 'How about the menus first?'"

— Erma Bombeck

"I went into a French restaurant and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'"

— Tommy Cooper

"A cannibal is a person who walks into a restaurant and orders a waiter."

— Morey Amsterdam

"Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant, filled with odd waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like."

— Lemony Snicket,
      A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Slippery Slope

"[The waiters'] eyes sparkled and their pencils flew as she proceeded to eviscerate my wallet—paté, Whitstable oysters, a sole, filet mignon, and a favorite salad of the Nizam of Hyderabad made of shredded five-pound notes."

— S. J. Perelman, The Rising Gorge