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FUNNY NEW YEAR QUOTES
Cheers! In the funny new year, quote your favorite humorists.
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"An optimist stays up to see the New Year in. A pessimist waits to make sure the old one leaves."
— Bill Vaughan
"The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to."
— P. J. O'Rourke
"Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to."
— Bill Vaughn
"New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive."
— Jay Leno
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"New Year's Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time."
— James Agate
"Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you've met your New Year's resolution."
— Jay Leno
"A good resolution is like an old horse, which is often saddled but rarely ridden."
— Mexican Proverb
"New Year's Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving Hell with them as usual."
— Mark Twain
"A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other."
— Anonymous
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FREE AUDIO CLIPS
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From Seinfeld
Jerry: "Kramer, these balloons aren't gonna stay filled till New Year's!"
Kramer: "Well, those aren't for New Year's. Those are my everyday balloons."
From The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
Hilary: "I'm making a New Year's resolution to find a job... right after Easter."
From The Honeymooners
Ralph: "Short visit? Ha! You know what her short visits are. Like the last time she came for a short visit, just for the holidays, Christmas and New Year's. The only trouble is, she came New Year's and stayed 'til Christmas!"
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"Every New Year is the direct descendant, isn't it, of a long line of proven criminals?"
— Ogden Nash
"It was a decent New Year's, but it took a million officers to make it so."
— Zane Grey
"The only way to spend New Year's Eve is either quietly with friends or in a brothel. Otherwise when the evening ends and people pair off, someone is bound to be left in tears."
— W.H. Auden
"My first word for the New Year was 'exsanguinate.' This was probably not a good omen."
— Charlaine Harris, Dead to the World
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FIRE JUSTIN TIME, HIRE JUSTIN CASE
Most new year's resolutions focus on diet and health. Good idea, but we recommend a more ambitious undertaking:
The Resilient Household
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