FUNNY DIET QUOTES

"The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it."

— Jackie Gleason

"A diet is when you watch what you eat and wish you could eat what you watch."

— Hermione Gingold

"The first thing you lose on a diet is brain mass."

— Margaret Cho

"An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day."

— Irv Kupcinet

"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."

— Orson Welles

"I'm not overweight. I'm just nine inches too short."

— Shelley Winters

"It's okay to be fat. So you're fat. Just be fat and shut up about it."

— Roseanne Barr

"Many a person who goes on a diet finds out in short order that they are poor losers."

— Unknown

"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets."

— Unknown

"Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow ye diet."

— William Gilmore Beymer

"I keep trying to lose weight... but it keeps finding me!"

— Unknown

"Rich, fatty foods are like destiny: they too, shape our ends."

— Unknown

"A diet is the penalty we pay for exceeding the feed limit."

— Unknown

"The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends."

— Unknown

"Probably nothing in the world arouses more false hopes than the first four hours of a diet."

— Dan Bennett

"In the Middle Ages, they had guillotines, stretch racks, whips, and chains. Nowadays, we have a much more effective torture device called the bathroom scale."

— Stephen Phillips

"The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books—how not to eat what you've just learned how to cook."

— Andy Rooney

"My soul is dark
With stormy riot:
Directly traced
Over to diet."

— Samuel Hoffenstein

"Don't dig your grave with your own knife and fork."

— English Proverb

"A waist is a terrible thing to mind."

— Tom Wilson

"Food is an important part of a balanced diet."

— Fran Lebowitz

"Never eat more than you can lift."

— Miss Piggy

"Your stomach shouldn't be a waist basket."

— Unknown

"When we lose twenty pounds... we may be losing the twenty best pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty."

— Woody Allen

"You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people."

— Ed Bluestone

"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."

— Garfield (Jim Davis)

"The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out."

— Unknown

"When I buy cookies I eat just four and throw the rest away. But first I spray them with Raid so I won't dig them out of the garbage later. Be careful, though, because Raid really doesn't taste that bad."

— Janette Barber

"If you have formed the habit of checking on every new diet that comes along, you will find that, mercifully, they all blur together, leaving you with only one definite piece of information: french-fried potatoes are out."

— Jean Kerr

"I highly recommend worrying. It is much more effective than dieting."

— William Powell

"I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster."

— Joe E. Lewis

"A golfer's diet: live on greens as much as possible."

— Unknown

"My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat."

— Henny Youngman

"I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks."

— Joe E. Lewis

"I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."

— Unknown

"I've decided that perhaps I'm bulimic and just keep forgetting to purge."

— Paula Poundstone

"Food has replaced sex in my life; now, I can't even get into my own pants."

— Unknown

"'Stressed' spelled backwards is 'desserts.' Coincidence? I think not!"

— Unknown

"Before long it will be the animals who do the dieting so that the ultimate consumer does not have to."

— Mimi Sheraton

"Food is like sex: When you abstain, even the worst stuff begins to look good."

— Beth McCollister

"No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain, you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office."

— George Bernard Shaw

"In the course of my life, I have often had to eat my words, and I must confess that I have always found it a wholesome diet."

— Winston Churchill

"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number of carats in a diamond."

— Mae West

"I recently had my annual physical examination, which I get once every seven years, and when the nurse weighed me, I was shocked to discover how much stronger the Earth's gravitational pull has become since 1990."

— Dave Barry

"Albert Einstein, who discovered that a tiny amount of mass is equal to a huge amount of energy, which explains why, as Einstein himself so eloquently put it in a famous 1939 speech to the Physics Department at Princeton, 'You have to exercise for a week to work off the thigh fat from a single Snickers.' "

— Dave Barry