"You can lead a boy to college, but you cannot make him think."

— Elbert Hubbard

"Colleges don't make fools, they only develop them."

— George Lorimer

"I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me."

— Woody Allen

"Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."

— Mark Twain

"Commencement speeches were invented largely in the belief that outgoing college students should never be released into the world until they have been properly sedated."

— G. B. Trudeau

"I noticed that almost everyone I went to college with has worked at something other than the subject they majored in. I guess that's one of the reasons for campus unrest."

— Kent McCord

"I'm a philosophy major. That means I can think deep thoughts about being unemployed."

— Bruce Lee

"Of course there's a lot of knowledge in universities: the freshmen bring a little in; the seniors don't take much away, so knowledge sort of accumulates."

— A. Lawrence Lowell

"Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man's lifetime income—which he then spends sending his son to college."

— Bill Vaughn

"Definition of a College professor: someone who talks in other people's sleep."

— W. H. Auden

"Yes I'm a bum. But I'm a Harvard bum."

— Simon Wilder, character in With Honors

"If a man is a fool, you don't train him out of being a fool by sending him to university. You merely turn him into a trained fool, ten times more dangerous."

— Desmond Bagley

"Colleges are places where pebbles are polished and diamonds are dimmed."

— R.S. Ingersoll

"Americans are the only people in the world known to me whose status anxiety prompts them to advertise their college and university affiliations in the rear window of their automobiles."

— Paul Fussell

"I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford."

— Dave Barry

"The perfect going-away gift for a college student-athlete. A dictionary."

— Dave Anderson

"Everyone has a right to a university degree in America, even if it's in Hamburger Technology."

— Clive James

"A man who has never gone to school may steal from a freight car, but if he has a university education he may steal the whole railroad."

— Franklin Delano Roosevelt

"To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you too may one day be president of the United States."

— George W. Bush

"College is the best time of your life. When else are your parents going to spend several thousand dollars a year just for you to go to a strange town and get drunk every night?"

— David Wood

"A telephone survey says that 51 percent of college students drink until they pass out at least once a month. The other 49 percent didn't answer the phone."

— Craig Kilborn

"Fathers send their sons to college either because they went to college or because they didn't."

— L. L. Henderson

"Colleges typically did not tell you that ninety percent of your education came after you hung the parchment on the wall. People might ask for a rebate."

— Tom Clancy

"College is a refuge from hasty judgment."

— Robert Frost

"Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth."

— Will Rogers

"If you want to get laid, go to college. If you want an education, go to a library."

— Frank Zappa

"My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself."

— Emo Philips