"My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to."

— Rita Rudner

"What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."

— Cindy Gardner

"A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend—and he's a priest."

— Erma Bombeck

"My boyfriend and I live together, which means we don't have sex—ever. Now that the milk is free, we've both become lactose intolerant."

— Margaret Cho

"Don't hate me because I'm beautiful, hate me because your boyfriend thinks I am."

— Unknown

"My marriage is on the rocks again; yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend."

— Rodney Dangerfield

"My boyfriend calls me 'princess', but I think of myself more along the lines of 'monkey' and 'retard'."

— Alicia Silverstone

"I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away."

— Phyllis Diller

"I wanted to make it really special on Valentine's day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours I watched whatever I wanted on TV."

— Tracy Smith

"My mom always complains about my lack of a boyfriend. Well, next time she asks, I'm going to tell her I'm dating two different guys—Mr Duracell and Mr Energizer."

— Michelle Landry

"When Charles Dickens wrote 'It was the best of times, it was the worst of times,' I believe he must have been having an affair with his married ex-boyfriend."

— Carrie Bradshaw
    (Sarah Jessica Parker's character on "Sex and the City")

"Everything I buy is vintage and smells funny. Maybe that's why I don't have a boyfriend."

— Lucy Liu

"Save a boyfriend for a rainy day—and another, in case it doesn't rain."

— Mae West

"It's a job - someone's gotta do it [kiss Jennifer Aniston]. The reality is, Jennifer and I can do our job well because we truly are friends. But when the day's over, she goes home to her boyfriend and I go home to a magazine."

— David Schwimmer (Ross Gellar on "Friends")