FUNNY DRACULA QUOTES

"If Dracula can't see his reflection in the mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?"

— Steven Wright

"Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, 'Think again, bat man.' "

— Jack Handy, 'Deep Thoughts'

"When people ask me if Dean Martin drank, let me put it this way. If Dracula bit Dean in the neck, he'd get a Bloody Mary."

— Red Buttons

"Count Dracula may not seem like the ideal husband. Of course he's deathly pale, but he's a vegetarian, and they all seem to look like that."

— La Marchesa Di Fiore (Maxine McKendry) in 'Andy Warhol's Dracula'

"I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away."

— Jack Handy, 'Deep Thoughts'

COUNT DRACULA: "Children of the night, shut up!"

COUNT DRACULA: "I'm going out for a bite to drink."

CINDY SONDHEIM: "We can go to bed, maybe get in a little quickie."

COUNT DRACULA: "No. With you, never a quickie, always a longie."

COUNT DRACULA: "Ah, Cindy Sondheim, you should have lived in an earlier age. Things were simpler, less complicated. Do you know how many women had nervous breakdowns in the fourteenth century? Two."

COUNT DRACULA: "Without me, Transylvania will be as exciting as Bucharest... on a Monday night."

LUCARD (DRACULA): "People are my greatest resource. I rarely turn down a chance to meet new blood."

LUCARD (DRACULA): "Stay as long as you like... longer even."

LUCARD (DRACULA): "What a third-rate creature you are, even by zombie standards."