"Music is everybody's possession. It's only publishers who think that people own it."
"A composer is a guy who goes around forcing his will on unsuspecting air molecules, often with the assistance of unsuspecting musicians."
"Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung."
"It's easy to play any musical instrument: all you have to do is touch the right key at the right time and the instrument will play itself."
"I want to do a musical movie. Like Evita, but with good music."
"I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the manmade sound never equaled the purity of the sound achieved by the pig."
"I don't deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn't deserve that, either. So I'll keep it."
"I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch."
"All music is folk music. I ain't never heard no horse sing a song."
"The musician is perhaps the most modest of animals, but he is also the proudest. It is he who invented the sublime art of ruining poetry."
"Talking about music is like dancing about architecture."
"When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano."
"The world must be filled with unsuccessful musical careers like mine, and it's probably a good thing. We don't need a lot of bad musicians filling the air with unnecessary sounds. Some of the professionals are bad enough."
"Andrew Lloyd Webber's music is everywhere, but so is AIDS."
"I know [canned music] makes chickens lay more eggs and factory workers produce more. But how much more can they get out of you on an elevator?"