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FUNNY MOM QUOTES

These funny mom quotes are funny mother quotes, about moms and for moms.

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Funny Mom Quotes —
GENERAL

"I know how to do anything—I'm a mom."

Roseanne Barr

"My mother used to say that there are no strangers, only friends you haven't met yet. She's now in a maximum security twilight home in Australia."

Dame Edna Everage

"I'm a mother with two small children, so I don't take as much crap as I used to."

Pamela Anderson

"Nobody loves me but my mother,
And she could be jivin' too."

B. B. King

"If my mom reads that I'm grammatically incorrect, I'll have hell to pay."

Larisa Oleynik

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."

Jack Nicholson

"My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance."

Tim Allen

"When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway."

Erma Bombeck

"There is only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it."

Chinese Proverbs

"A suburban mother's role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car for ever after."

Peter De Vries

"The worst feature of a new baby is its mother's singing."

Kin Hubbard

"As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied."

Oscar Wilde


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Funny Mother Quotes...
FROM STAND-UP COMICS

"Neurotics build castles in the air; psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them."

Rita Rudner

"My mother had morning sickness after I was born."

Rodney Dangerfield

"I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them."

Phyllis Diller

"If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?"

Milton Berle

"My mom was a garage sale person, save money. Come on in to the garage sale, you might find a shirt. She'd get in that garage sale and point stuff out to you. There's a good fork for a nickel. Yeah, that's beautiful. It's a little high. If it were three cents I'd snap it up."

Louie Anderson

"My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping."

Rita Rudner

"I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, 'Steven, time to go to sleep.' I said, 'But I don't know how.' She said, 'It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left.' So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said 'I thought I told you to go to sleep.'"

Steven Wright

"My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father."

Wendy Liebman

"It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder, and violence every single day should be avoided entirely. But the desire to beget children is a natural urge."

Phyllis Diller

"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"

Paula Poundstone

"My mother never breast fed me; she told me she only liked me as a friend."

Rodney Dangerfield

"My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh."

Bob Monkhouse


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Funny Mom Quotes ...
FROM THE WORLD OF CARTOONS

"I asked Mom if I was a gifted child. She said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me."

Calvin (Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes)

"Mom and Dad say I should make my life an example of the principles I believe in. But every time I do, they tell me to stop it."

Calvin (Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes)

"You know Moe, my mom once said something that really stuck with me. She said, 'Homer, you're a big disappointment,' and God bless her soul, she was really onto something."

Homer Simpson (on The Simpsons)

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Deliciously Funny Quotes...
ABOUT MOM'S COOKING

"My mother's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it."

Buddy Hackett

"What my mother believed about cooking is that if you worked hard and prospered, someone else would do it for you."

Nora Ephron

"My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow."

Rita Rudner

"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."

Calvin Trillin

"My mother was a terrible cook. When I was a child I went ice fishing. I came back with 40 pounds of ice. My Mother fried it and we almost drowned."

— submitted by Mike Bunge, Oklahoma

 

Funny Mother Quotes —
CLEVER

"My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it."

Mark Twain

"My mother loved children—she would have given anything if I had been one."

Groucho Marx

"No man is responsible for his father. That was entirely his mother's affair."

Maraget Turnbull

"All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his."

Oscar Wilde

 

Funny Mom Quotes About...
WORKING MOTHERS

"The phrase 'working mother' is redundant."

Jane Sellman

"Being a working mom is not easy. You have to be willing to screw up at every level."

Jami Gertz

"Working mothers are guinea pigs in a scientific experiment to show that sleep is not necessary to human life."

Anonymous

 

Funny Mother Quotes —
UNINTENTIONALLY FUNNY

"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."

Dan Quayle

"So thank you for reminding me about the importance of being a good mom and a great volunteer as well."

President George W. Bush



 

THE EVER-POPULAR TORTURED SEGUE

 

photo of factory/city air pollution Pollution is not just something that happens to "the environment." It affects the water we drink, the air we breathe, and the land we grow our food on. So, when it comes to us water-drinking, air-breathing, food-eating humans, what is the relationship between pollution and health?



 

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FUNNY MOM QUOTE

If you know of a funny mom quote that I missed, please email it to me. Provide the text of the quote and who said it; and, if you have it, a reference where we can verify the text and the spelling of the person's name (a web page address, Bartlett's, etc.). So... email me a quote. Thanks!

 

Feed Your Brain!
AUDIO CLIPS
MOTHERING YOUR HEALTH

CATEGORY:  HEALTH — 30.SEP.2014

Rating: 4 of 5 - Very good One Radio Network

Jess Armine, The Sherlock Holmes of Chronic Diseases — Jess Armine practices functional medicine and has been a health care provider for over three decades, now specializing in difficult-to-treat cases. Topics here include ... bio-individualized medicine; how the Standard of Care rules make some docs practice bad medicine; IV therapies; the biochemistry of the body; Leaky Gut Syndrome and rebuilding the gut to reduce inflammation.
Go to page  |  Download/listen   1:04:00

GP comment:  This is a blizzard of insights on how the body really works and the subtle systemic problems that can be difficult to diagnose and treat. One note: He confuses hybridized wheat with GMO wheat. The latter is not in production.

Original Show Pub Date: 23.Sep.2014

CATEGORY:  HEALTH — 26.SEP.2014

Rating: 4 of 5 - Very good Infectious Myth

The CDC Vaccine Scandal — A vaccine scandal erupted recently at the CDC, with a CDC whistleblower leaking data about the suppression of the connection between the MMR vaccine and autism. Dr. Toni Bark explains why we can now say that the CDC's claim that it was unaware of any connection between MMR and autism is false, that it has been lying to US citizens to maintain the illusion that all vaccines are safe and have no significant risk of side effects.
Go to page  |  Download/listen   59:17

GP comment:  The vaccine issue is a bit tricky, as we see when Barks condemns the CDC and certain vaccines but is supportive of other vaccines. This is as it should be.

Original Show Pub Date: 02.Sep.2014

CATEGORY:  HEALTH — 08.SEP.2014

Rating: 2 of 5 - OK; if you've got the time... Awakening to Conscious Co-Creation

The Chi of Change — Is there a way out of anxiety, depression, overeating, fear, phobias, addiction, insomnia, trauma, and low self-esteem—without taking pills? Peter Field will explain how your subconscious mind has been programmed to make you feel the way you feel; how these programs can be rapidly changed through the right kind of hypnotherapy; how your most difficult feelings and emotions can help you change your life for the better.; and how you can live a balanced, meaningful life and move forward in confidence and harmony with yourself and your world.
Go to page  |  Download/listen   56:12

GP comment:  Pretty much a straight-up discussion of hypno-psychotherapy. The cases discussed are interesting enough, but I was hoping for more insights into WHY hypnotherapy works.

Original Show Pub Date: 18.Jun.2014

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MULTIMEDIA RELATED TO
Funny Mom Quotes

photo of woman on stage singing; click to see animation/video at external site; opens in new window

COOL MOTHER SONG

Moms—and everyone—will laugh along with this breathtakingly funny musical performance of "what mothers say in a day." Very impressive! By Anita Renfroe, via YouTube. Go there

Or see more ...
Funny Animations/Videos

image from album cover for Jethro Tull - Stand Up; click to see animation/video at external site; opens in new window

FOR A THOUSAND WORKING MOTHERS — "For A Thousand Mothers" is just one of ten top-notch songs from Jethro Tull's 1969 breakout album Stand Up, where Ian Anderson and the boys mastered the earthy progressive-rock sound they had experimented with on their first album. The 2001 reissue includes 4 bonus tracks. Hear MP3 clips or check out CD on amazon.com.

Or see more ...
Great Rock Album Reviews

   

GP CARTOONS RELATED TO
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FOR AND AGAINST THEIR MOMS WORKING

'Challenges for Working Moms' Cartoon
 
Dinner With Kids Joke link; thumb of child in high chair with bowl of food on head RECOMMENDATIONS FOR DINING OUT WITH YOUNG CHILDREN
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Homework Cartoon link; thumb of student looking at homework assignment on blackboard HOW PARENTS CAN HELP KIDS STICK TO DOING THEIR HOMEWORK
Homework Cartoon
       
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