FUNNY MOM QUOTES

"I know how to do anything—I'm a mom."

— Roseanne Barr

"My mother used to say that there are no strangers, only friends you haven't met yet. She's now in a maximum security twilight home in Australia."

— Dame Edna Everage

"I'm a mother with two small children, so I don't take as much crap as I used to."

— Pamela Anderson

"Nobody loves me but my mother,
And she could be jivin' too."

— B. B. King

"If my mom reads that I'm grammatically incorrect, I'll have hell to pay."

— Larisa Oleynik

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."

— Jack Nicholson

"My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance."

— Tim Allen

"When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway."

— Erma Bombeck

"There is only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it."

— Chinese Proverbs

"A suburban mother's role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car for ever after."

— Peter De Vries

"The worst feature of a new baby is its mother's singing."

— Kin Hubbard

"As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied."

— Oscar Wilde

"Neurotics build castles in the air; psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them."

— Rita Rudner

"My mother had morning sickness after I was born."

— Rodney Dangerfield

"I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them."

— Phyllis Diller

"If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?"

— Milton Berle

"My mom was a garage sale person, save money. Come on in to the garage sale, you might find a shirt. She'd get in that garage sale and point stuff out to you. There's a good fork for a nickel. Yeah, that's beautiful. It's a little high. If it were three cents I'd snap it up."

— Louie Anderson

"My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping."

— Rita Rudner

"I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, 'Steven, time to go to sleep.' I said, 'But I don't know how.' She said, 'It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left.' So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said 'I thought I told you to go to sleep.'"

— Steven Wright

"My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father."

— Wendy Liebman

"It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder, and violence every single day should be avoided entirely. But the desire to beget children is a natural urge."

— Phyllis Diller

"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"

— Paula Poundstone

"My mother never breast fed me; she told me she only liked me as a friend."

— Rodney Dangerfield

"My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh."

— Bob Monkhouse

"I asked Mom if I was a gifted child. She said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me."

— Calvin (Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes)

"Mom and Dad say I should make my life an example of the principles I believe in. But every time I do, they tell me to stop it."

— Calvin (Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes)

"You know Moe, my mom once said something that really stuck with me. She said, 'Homer, you're a big disappointment,' and God bless her soul, she was really onto something."

— Homer Simpson (on The Simpsons)

"My mother's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it."

— Buddy Hackett

"What my mother believed about cooking is that if you worked hard and prospered, someone else would do it for you."

— Nora Ephron

"My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow."

— Rita Rudner

"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."

— Calvin Trillin

"My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it."

— Mark Twain

"My mother loved children—she would have given anything if I had been one."

— Groucho Marx

"No man is responsible for his father. That was entirely his mother's affair."

— Maraget Turnbull

"All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his."

— Oscar Wilde

"The phrase 'working mother' is redundant."

— Jane Sellman

"Being a working mom is not easy. You have to be willing to screw up at every level."

— Jami Gertz

"Working mothers are guinea pigs in a scientific experiment to show that sleep is not necessary to human life."

— Anonymous

"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."

— Dan Quayle

"So thank you for reminding me about the importance of being a good mom and a great volunteer as well."

— President George W. Bush