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FUNNY CHURCH QUOTES

There are giggles in the pews over these Funny Church Quotes. In this grand cathedral, this webby laugh-church, funny quotes are holy-cow hilarious!

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Funny Church Quotes ...
GENERAL

"Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car."

Billy Sunday

"The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion."

Fred Allen

"Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs."

Fred Allen

"Too many church services start at eleven sharp and end at twelve dull."

Vance Havner

"Most people have some sort of religion—at least they know which church they're staying away from."

John Erskine

"If money is the root of all evil, why are churches always begging for it?"

Anonymous

"I believe in eight of the ten commandments. I believe in going to church every Sunday... unless there's a game on."

Steve Martin, from his bit "What I Believe"

"The church is near but the road is icy;
The bar is far away but I will walk carefully."

Russian proverb

"Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure."

Fred Allen

"I don't know why some people change churches. What difference does it make which one you stay home from?"

Rev. Denny Brake

Fruitcakes cover Where's the church?
Who took the steeple?
Religion's in the hands
Of some crazy-ass people—
Television preachers
With bad hair and dimples!
The God's honest truth is
It's not that simple!

Jimmy Buffett, from the song "Fruitcakes"


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Church - Funny Quotes ...
FROM THE DOWN ESCALATOR

"Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God."

Lenny Bruce

"I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death."

George Carlin

"A man is accepted into a church for what he believes and he is turned out for what he knows."

Mark Twain

"Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable."

H. G. Wells

"A church is a place in which gentlemen who have never been to heaven brag about it to persons who will never get there."

H. L. Mencken


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Funny Quotes on Church ...
FROM TELEVISION

From American Dad

Father Donovan: "Look, according to the church there are no pets in heaven. Eligible for heaven: You got your men, women, children, and apes who use sign language. Not going to heaven: You got your pets, your dinosaurs, your smart types, and self-aware robots."

Just Shoot Me cast From Just Shoot Me!

Nina Van Horn: "The Church of the Rising Star is a dark and powerful religion with beliefs that stretch back to the mid-80s. So watch your back, refuse all refreshments, and don't say, 'Hi, priest' to the high priest. It's not as funny as you think."

From The Colbert Report

Stephen Colbert: "I'm disappointed that my own Catholic Church has decided that capital punishment is wrong. Which is pretty hypocritical if you think about it, because they wouldn't even have a religion if it wasn't for capital punishment."

John Doggett and Fox Mulder in a field From The X Files

Doggett: "You could find a conspiracy at a church picnic!"

Mulder: "What church?"

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Funny Church Quotes in the form of ...
FUNNY CHURCH JOKES

A mother was giving instructions to her three children as she sent them into Sunday school. She asked... "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

Her son quickly responded, "Because people are sleeping!"

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

The Sunday School teacher asked, "Johnny, do you say prayers before eating?"

"No sir," little Johnny replied, "I don't have to. My mom is a good cook."



 

THE EVER-POPULAR TORTURED SEGUE

 

thumb of man on cell phone "CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?" ... ABOVE THE DISTRACTIONS
The spirit of St. Francis just showed up to offer a parable about cell phone distraction ...



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If you know of a funny church quote that I missed, please email it to me. Provide the text of the quote and who said it (and, if you have it, a web reference where we can verify the text and the spelling of the person's name, etc.). So... email me a quote. Thanks!

 

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AUDIO CLIPS
ON ELITE POWER STRUCTURES

CATEGORY:  FINANCIAL — 01.JUL.2014

Rating: 4 of 5 - Very good Guns and Butter

Catherine Austin Fitts on Wealth Harvesting and the Black Budget — Financial guru Catherine Austin Fitts talks explains how she came up with the figure of $40 trillion in wealth stolen from the general public in the last 30 years. Topics include... how they did it; who "they" are; what they are likely using the money for; the Financial Coup d'Etat; privatizing of government budget management; history and organization of the financial system since World War II; the Exchange Stabilization Fund, a weapon managed by the New York Fed; the future world of digital currencies; why the bubbles and financial schemes are far too large to be explained by incompetence or corruption.
Go to page  |  Download/listen   1:00:00

GP comment:  Lots of great speculation here, though much of it is indeed speculation. And she doesn't have it quite right on the budget stuff—-there's the normal government budget world, in which dutiful accountants, both govvies and contractors, monitor the funds down to the penny. Then there is the world of "off budget" items and black budgets, into which trillions flow.... and go missing.

Original Show Pub Date: 25.Jun.2014

CATEGORY:  FINANCIAL, EMPIRE — 24.JUN.2014

Rating: 4 of 5 - Very good C-Realm Podcast

Notions of a New Economy — At the CommonBound 2014 gathering, KMO interviews guests on the topic of shifting to a sustainable economy. Guests are NEC president Bob Massie; Chuck Collins of the Institute for Policy Studies; and Lauren Hudson of Solidarity NYC. All three conversations touch on technology, messaging, and what constitutes effective action in the movement to foster a just transition to a new economic reality and a political process that works for people, not plutocrats.
Go to page  |  Download/listen   1:07:57

GP comment:  It's always tempting to dash the ship of good hope on the rocks of reality, but the speakers here do get into some of the knotty issues that go with daunting goals like a "new economy."

Original Show Pub Date: 18.Jun.2014

CATEGORY:  EMPIRE — 20.JUN.2014

Rating: 4 of 5 - Very good Diet Soap Podcast

The Imperial Risk — Margaret Kimberley and Douglas Lain discuss US imperialism. Topics include Ukraine, mainstream media, Obama the uber-imperialist, and capitalism as a game of Risk.
Go to page  |  Download/listen   1:00:00

GP comment:  Takeaway line: "Democrats or Republicans, you're still going to get imperialism."

Original Show Pub Date: 07.Jun.2014

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