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FUNNY CHURCH QUOTES

There are giggles in the pews over these Funny Church Quotes. In this grand cathedral, this webby laugh-church, funny quotes are holy-cow hilarious!

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Funny Church Quotes ...
GENERAL

"Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car."

Billy Sunday

"The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion."

Fred Allen

"Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs."

Fred Allen

"Too many church services start at eleven sharp and end at twelve dull."

Vance Havner

"Most people have some sort of religion—at least they know which church they're staying away from."

John Erskine

"If money is the root of all evil, why are churches always begging for it?"

Anonymous

"I believe in eight of the ten commandments. I believe in going to church every Sunday... unless there's a game on."

Steve Martin, from his bit "What I Believe"

"The church is near but the road is icy;
The bar is far away but I will walk carefully."

Russian proverb

"Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure."

Fred Allen

"I don't know why some people change churches. What difference does it make which one you stay home from?"

Rev. Denny Brake

Fruitcakes cover Where's the church?
Who took the steeple?
Religion's in the hands
Of some crazy-ass people—
Television preachers
With bad hair and dimples!
The God's honest truth is
It's not that simple!

Jimmy Buffett, from the song "Fruitcakes"


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Church - Funny Quotes ...
FROM THE DOWN ESCALATOR

"Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God."

Lenny Bruce

"I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death."

George Carlin

"A man is accepted into a church for what he believes and he is turned out for what he knows."

Mark Twain

"Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable."

H. G. Wells

"A church is a place in which gentlemen who have never been to heaven brag about it to persons who will never get there."

H. L. Mencken


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Funny Quotes on Church ...
FROM TELEVISION

From American Dad

Father Donovan: "Look, according to the church there are no pets in heaven. Eligible for heaven: You got your men, women, children, and apes who use sign language. Not going to heaven: You got your pets, your dinosaurs, your smart types, and self-aware robots."

Just Shoot Me cast From Just Shoot Me!

Nina Van Horn: "The Church of the Rising Star is a dark and powerful religion with beliefs that stretch back to the mid-80s. So watch your back, refuse all refreshments, and don't say, 'Hi, priest' to the high priest. It's not as funny as you think."

From The Colbert Report

Stephen Colbert: "I'm disappointed that my own Catholic Church has decided that capital punishment is wrong. Which is pretty hypocritical if you think about it, because they wouldn't even have a religion if it wasn't for capital punishment."

John Doggett and Fox Mulder in a field From The X Files

Doggett: "You could find a conspiracy at a church picnic!"

Mulder: "What church?"

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Funny Church Quotes in the form of ...
FUNNY CHURCH JOKES

A mother was giving instructions to her three children as she sent them into Sunday school. She asked... "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

Her son quickly responded, "Because people are sleeping!"

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

The Sunday School teacher asked, "Johnny, do you say prayers before eating?"

"No sir," little Johnny replied, "I don't have to. My mom is a good cook."



 

THE EVER-POPULAR TORTURED SEGUE

 

thumb of man on cell phone "CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?" ... ABOVE THE DISTRACTIONS
The spirit of St. Francis just showed up to offer a parable about cell phone distraction ...



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If you know of a funny church quote that I missed, please email it to me. Provide the text of the quote and who said it (and, if you have it, a web reference where we can verify the text and the spelling of the person's name, etc.). So... email me a quote. Thanks!

 

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AUDIO CLIPS
ON ELITE POWER STRUCTURES

CATEGORY:  EMPIRE — 01.SEP.2014

Rating: 5 of 5 - Must-listening! Washington Journal

Richard Gage of Architects and Engineers for 9/11 Truth on C-SPAN — Richard Gage, founder of the group Architects and Engineers for 9/11 Truth discusses their evidence that Building 7 was destroyed by controlled demolition on September 11th. The group is calling for an open investigation into the science and facts of 9/11. Topics include: why modern skyscrapers with high-stgrength steel supports cannot collapse in free fall without controlled demolition; refutation of various claims by NIST in their analysis (cover-up); and evidence for use of the high-tech demolition explosive thermite.
Watch  |  Download/listen A   39:41

GP comment:  Excellent that this got on C-SPAN. The 9/11 crime is similar to the JFK murder—if left unsolved, it will be another huge helping of impugnity for the corrupt cabal that runs things, which will ultimately lead to true totalitarianism.

Original Show Pub Date: 01.Aug.2014

CATEGORY:  FINANCIAL — 11.AUG.2014

Rating: 5 of 5 - Must-listening! Corbett Report

Century of Enslavement—The History of The Federal Reserve — War. Poverty. Revolution. They all hinge on economics. And economics rests on one key concept: money. But what is money? How is it created? Who controls it? It is remarkable that, given its central importance in our lives, not one person in a hundred can answer such basic questions about money. James Corbett's new documentary, Century of Enslavement—The History of The Federal Reserve, endeavors to enlighten the public on the machinations of the banksters over the last few centuries, culminating in 1913 in the creation of their main tool, the Federal Reserve.
Watch  |  Download/listen   1:29:57

GP comment:  Corbett is clear, cogent, and well researched on the topic. His film is not quite as engaging as The Money Masters, though it is more up-to-date.

Original Show Pub Date: 06.Jul.2014

CATEGORY:  EMPIRE — 22.AUG.2014

Rating: 3 of 5 - Good, worth a listen C-Realm Podcast

Futures Near and Far — KMO speaks with "military science fiction" novelist Linda Nagata. The themes include eroding civil liberties; cybernetics and nanotechnology; the growing power of defense contractors; and the coercions of empire. As an example of the interstection of fiction and reality, the soldiers in Nagata's novel The Bohr Maker wear powered exoskeletons, which are more advanced versions of systems actually in development by Lockheed Martin.
Go to page  |  Download/listen   59:55

GP comment:  Insect-bots and super-soldiers and Big Brother cops, oh my! Unfortunately, we are already part-way there.

Original Show Pub Date: 20.Aug.2014

MORE

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