FUNNY CHURCH QUOTES

"Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car."

— Billy Sunday

"The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion."

— Fred Allen

"Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs."

— Fred Allen

"Too many church services start at eleven sharp and end at twelve dull."

— Vance Havner

"Most people have some sort of religion—at least they know which church they're staying away from."

— John Erskine

"If money is the root of all evil, why are churches always begging for it?"

— Anonymous

"I believe in eight of the ten commandments. I believe in going to church every Sunday... unless there's a game on."

— Steve Martin, from his bit "What I Believe"

"The church is near but the road is icy;
The bar is far away but I will walk carefully."

— Russian proverb

"Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure."

— Fred Allen

"I don't know why some people change churches. What difference does it make which one you stay home from?"

— Rev. Denny Brake

Where's the church?
Who took the steeple?
Religion's in the hands
Of some crazy-ass people—
Television preachers
With bad hair and dimples!
The God's honest truth is
It's not that simple!

— Jimmy Buffett, from the song "Fruitcakes"

"Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God."

— Lenny Bruce

"I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death."

— George Carlin

"A man is accepted into a church for what he believes and he is turned out for what he knows."

— Mark Twain

"Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable."

— H. G. Wells

"A church is a place in which gentlemen who have never been to heaven brag about it to persons who will never get there."

— H. L. Mencken

From American Dad

Father Donovan: "Look, according to the church there are no pets in heaven. Eligible for heaven: You got your men, women, children, and apes who use sign language. Not going to heaven: You got your pets, your dinosaurs, your smart types, and self-aware robots."

From Just Shoot Me!

Nina Van Horn: "The Church of the Rising Star is a dark and powerful religion with beliefs that stretch back to the mid-80s. So watch your back, refuse all refreshments, and don't say, 'Hi, priest' to the high priest. It's not as funny as you think."

From The Colbert Report

Stephen Colbert: "I'm disappointed that my own Catholic Church has decided that capital punishment is wrong. Which is pretty hypocritical if you think about it, because they wouldn't even have a religion if it wasn't for capital punishment."

From The X Files

Doggett: "You could find a conspiracy at a church picnic!"

Mulder: "What church?"

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A mother was giving instructions to her three children as she sent them into Sunday school. She asked... "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

Her son quickly responded, "Because people are sleeping!"

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

The Sunday School teacher asked, "Johnny, do you say prayers before eating?"

"No sir," little Johnny replied, "I don't have to. My mom is a good cook."