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FUNNY CHURCH QUOTES

There are giggles in the pews over these Funny Church Quotes. In this grand cathedral, this webby laugh-church, funny quotes are holy-cow hilarious!

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Funny Church Quotes ...
GENERAL

"Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car."

Billy Sunday

"The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion."

Fred Allen

"Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs."

Fred Allen

"Too many church services start at eleven sharp and end at twelve dull."

Vance Havner

"Most people have some sort of religion—at least they know which church they're staying away from."

John Erskine

"If money is the root of all evil, why are churches always begging for it?"

Anonymous

"I believe in eight of the ten commandments. I believe in going to church every Sunday... unless there's a game on."

Steve Martin, from his bit "What I Believe"

"The church is near but the road is icy;
The bar is far away but I will walk carefully."

Russian proverb

"Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure."

Fred Allen

"I don't know why some people change churches. What difference does it make which one you stay home from?"

Rev. Denny Brake

Fruitcakes cover Where's the church?
Who took the steeple?
Religion's in the hands
Of some crazy-ass people—
Television preachers
With bad hair and dimples!
The God's honest truth is
It's not that simple!

Jimmy Buffett, from the song "Fruitcakes"


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Church - Funny Quotes ...
FROM THE DOWN ESCALATOR

"Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God."

Lenny Bruce

"I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death."

George Carlin

"A man is accepted into a church for what he believes and he is turned out for what he knows."

Mark Twain

"Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable."

H. G. Wells

"A church is a place in which gentlemen who have never been to heaven brag about it to persons who will never get there."

H. L. Mencken


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Funny Quotes on Church ...
FROM TELEVISION

From American Dad

Father Donovan: "Look, according to the church there are no pets in heaven. Eligible for heaven: You got your men, women, children, and apes who use sign language. Not going to heaven: You got your pets, your dinosaurs, your smart types, and self-aware robots."

Just Shoot Me cast From Just Shoot Me!

Nina Van Horn: "The Church of the Rising Star is a dark and powerful religion with beliefs that stretch back to the mid-80s. So watch your back, refuse all refreshments, and don't say, 'Hi, priest' to the high priest. It's not as funny as you think."

From The Colbert Report

Stephen Colbert: "I'm disappointed that my own Catholic Church has decided that capital punishment is wrong. Which is pretty hypocritical if you think about it, because they wouldn't even have a religion if it wasn't for capital punishment."

John Doggett and Fox Mulder in a field From The X Files

Doggett: "You could find a conspiracy at a church picnic!"

Mulder: "What church?"

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Funny Church Quotes in the form of ...
FUNNY CHURCH JOKES

A mother was giving instructions to her three children as she sent them into Sunday school. She asked... "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

Her son quickly responded, "Because people are sleeping!"

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

The Sunday School teacher asked, "Johnny, do you say prayers before eating?"

"No sir," little Johnny replied, "I don't have to. My mom is a good cook."



 

THE EVER-POPULAR TORTURED SEGUE

 

thumb of man on cell phone "CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?" ... ABOVE THE DISTRACTIONS
The spirit of St. Francis just showed up to offer a parable about cell phone distraction ...



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If you know of a funny church quote that I missed, please email it to me. Provide the text of the quote and who said it (and, if you have it, a web reference where we can verify the text and the spelling of the person's name, etc.). So... email me a quote. Thanks!

 

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AUDIO CLIPS
ON ELITE POWER STRUCTURES

CATEGORY:  EMPIRE, FINANCIAL — 07.APR.2014

Rating: 3 of 5 - Good, worth a listen Corbett Report

Global Imperialism, Currency Wars, and Decoupling from the Bankster System — James Corbett talks about the crisis of civilization, as the gaping maw of the global empire starts to turn inward to gobble up its own. Topics include the collapse of the dollar reserve paradigm and the threat it poses to the average man or woman; Putin and Russia's gambit; ways that people can disengage from the military-banker system and avoid being crushed by its machinations and perturbations.
Go to page  |  Download/listen   32:25

GP comment:  BitCoin and other global alternative currencies will always, one way or another, eventually be absorbed, co-opted, or taken down by the establishment financial system. More hope lies in local currencies and true lifestyle change. Have you stopped using your credit card yet? (And remember, even if you get your card from your local bank or credit union, the banksters run the back end and still make their money.)

Original Show Pub Date: 31.Mar.2014

CATEGORY:  FINANCIAL — 04.APR.2014

Rating: 4 of 5 - Very good The Real World of Money

Andrew Gause on Money Printing and Infrastructure, the SS Trust Fund, Taking Over the Federal Reserve, more — Andrew Gause's topics include ... TPTB are creating lots of new money, but they clearly don't think it should be used for infrastructure in US; why the Social Security Trust Fund doesn’t exist; why China's currency being a reserve currency is unlikely; why we should not dissolve the Federal Reserve System but rather should just have Treasury take it over for the benefit of all taxpayers; the troubles Mr. Putin is having with the banksters.
Go to page  |  Download/listen   1:00:53

GP comment:  In the end, circumstances may prove him right about investing in collectible coins, but just remember that the premium price commanded by a collectible collapses if everything else collapses.

Original Show Pub Date: 02.Apr.2014

CATEGORY:  EMPIRE — 03.APR.2014

Rating: 4 of 5 - Very good Guns and Butter

The Deep State, from WWII to Present — Historian Peter Dale Scott discusses the rise of the Deep State—a covert organization with the CIA at its heart that pulls the strings of the world. Topics include the importance of the illicit drug trade to the behavior of the US empire; before there was an Israel there was a Mossad trying to get Israel set up; the "rat lines"—a sort of underground railroad that smuggled both Nazis and Jews out of Germany; the War on Drugs as just another facet of the CIA-controlled drug trade.
Go to page  |  Download/listen   59:52

GP comment:  Excellent point about the War on Drugs being undertaken to make the illicit side more profitable. More broadly, the machine always seeks to profit off both sides of any duality.

Original Show Pub Date: 19.Mar.2014

MORE

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