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FUNNY CHURCH QUOTES

There are giggles in the pews over these Funny Church Quotes. In this grand cathedral, this webby laugh-church, funny quotes are holy-cow hilarious!

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Funny Church Quotes ...
GENERAL

"Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car."

Billy Sunday

"The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion."

Fred Allen

"Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs."

Fred Allen

"Too many church services start at eleven sharp and end at twelve dull."

Vance Havner

"Most people have some sort of religion—at least they know which church they're staying away from."

John Erskine

"If money is the root of all evil, why are churches always begging for it?"

Anonymous

"I believe in eight of the ten commandments. I believe in going to church every Sunday... unless there's a game on."

Steve Martin, from his bit "What I Believe"

"The church is near but the road is icy;
The bar is far away but I will walk carefully."

Russian proverb

"Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure."

Fred Allen

"I don't know why some people change churches. What difference does it make which one you stay home from?"

Rev. Denny Brake

Fruitcakes cover Where's the church?
Who took the steeple?
Religion's in the hands
Of some crazy-ass people—
Television preachers
With bad hair and dimples!
The God's honest truth is
It's not that simple!

Jimmy Buffett, from the song "Fruitcakes"


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Church - Funny Quotes ...
FROM THE DOWN ESCALATOR

"Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God."

Lenny Bruce

"I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death."

George Carlin

"A man is accepted into a church for what he believes and he is turned out for what he knows."

Mark Twain

"Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable."

H. G. Wells

"A church is a place in which gentlemen who have never been to heaven brag about it to persons who will never get there."

H. L. Mencken


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Funny Quotes on Church ...
FROM TELEVISION

From American Dad

Father Donovan: "Look, according to the church there are no pets in heaven. Eligible for heaven: You got your men, women, children, and apes who use sign language. Not going to heaven: You got your pets, your dinosaurs, your smart types, and self-aware robots."

Just Shoot Me cast From Just Shoot Me!

Nina Van Horn: "The Church of the Rising Star is a dark and powerful religion with beliefs that stretch back to the mid-80s. So watch your back, refuse all refreshments, and don't say, 'Hi, priest' to the high priest. It's not as funny as you think."

From The Colbert Report

Stephen Colbert: "I'm disappointed that my own Catholic Church has decided that capital punishment is wrong. Which is pretty hypocritical if you think about it, because they wouldn't even have a religion if it wasn't for capital punishment."

John Doggett and Fox Mulder in a field From The X Files

Doggett: "You could find a conspiracy at a church picnic!"

Mulder: "What church?"

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Funny Church Quotes in the form of ...
FUNNY CHURCH JOKES

A mother was giving instructions to her three children as she sent them into Sunday school. She asked... "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

Her son quickly responded, "Because people are sleeping!"

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

The Sunday School teacher asked, "Johnny, do you say prayers before eating?"

"No sir," little Johnny replied, "I don't have to. My mom is a good cook."



 

THE EVER-POPULAR TORTURED SEGUE

 

thumb of man on cell phone "CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?" ... ABOVE THE DISTRACTIONS
The spirit of St. Francis just showed up to offer a parable about cell phone distraction ...



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If you know of a funny church quote that I missed, please email it to me. Provide the text of the quote and who said it (and, if you have it, a web reference where we can verify the text and the spelling of the person's name, etc.). So... email me a quote. Thanks!

 

Feed Your Brain!
AUDIO CLIPS
ON ELITE POWER STRUCTURES

CATEGORY:  EMPIRE — 09.AUG.2014

Rating: 4 of 5 - Very good Democracy Now

"President O'Bombing"—US Airstrikes Begin Anew in Iraq — US military aircraft carried out airstrikes in northern Iraq in an attempt to halt sweeping advances by ISIS. Phyllis Bennis, a fellow at the Institute for Policy Studies, discusses the situation.
Watch  |  Download/listen   19:23

GP comment:  Beyond Amy Goodman's priceless "President O'Bombing" slip, this clip is pretty good because the guest puts the latest US insanity in context.

Original Show Pub Date: 08.Aug.2014

CATEGORY:  EMPIRE, MEDIA — 14.JUL.2014

Rating: 4 of 5 - Very good Democracy Now

The Impact of WikiLeaks' Nearly 8 Million Released Documents — Julian Assange reviews of some of the important shifts that have happed as a result of Wikileaks and similar reporting efforts, including the Collateral Murder video, the US decision to leave Afghanistan, and corrupt influence practices by the US in other countries. He also explains why the new supposedly independent media outlet "The Intercept" may prove to be limited by its elite ownership.
Watch  |  Download/listen   16:51

GP comment:  Assange makes an interesting point that the de facto circumstances of his embassy environs, as limited by the threat of arrest if he leaves the building, do not even meet the international standard for fresh air and light for POWs.

Original Show Pub Date: 09.Jul.2014

CATEGORY:  FINANCIAL — 24.JUL.2014

Rating: 4 of 5 - Very good The Keiser Report

Sub-Prime Car Loans and the Next Bubble — Max Keiser and Stacy Herbert discuss the emergence of a building bubble in the car loan market. It's a new subprime loan scam that will end in heartache for unqualified borrowers, bank-bailout taxes for the rest of us when the rescue packages get forced on us, and more bonuses for the clever banksters who keep coming up with these schemes.
Watch  |  Download/listen   12:25

GP comment:  In the collapse of the subprime housing bubble, the media aimed the blame at unqualified borrowers. That was ridiculous—whether unlucky, stupid, or greedy, those borrowers took their lumps by losing their houses. The banks, on the other hand, did not take their lumps—the richie riches got a bailout. Will it be the same when the car loan bubble bursts?

Original Show Pub Date: 22.Jul.2014

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