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FUNNY CHURCH QUOTES

There are giggles in the pews over these Funny Church Quotes. In this grand cathedral, this webby laugh-church, funny quotes are holy-cow hilarious!

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Funny Church Quotes ...
GENERAL

"Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car."

Billy Sunday

"The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion."

Fred Allen

"Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs."

Fred Allen

"Too many church services start at eleven sharp and end at twelve dull."

Vance Havner

"Most people have some sort of religion—at least they know which church they're staying away from."

John Erskine

"If money is the root of all evil, why are churches always begging for it?"

Anonymous

"I believe in eight of the ten commandments. I believe in going to church every Sunday... unless there's a game on."

Steve Martin, from his bit "What I Believe"

"The church is near but the road is icy;
The bar is far away but I will walk carefully."

Russian proverb

"Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure."

Fred Allen

"I don't know why some people change churches. What difference does it make which one you stay home from?"

Rev. Denny Brake

Fruitcakes cover Where's the church?
Who took the steeple?
Religion's in the hands
Of some crazy-ass people—
Television preachers
With bad hair and dimples!
The God's honest truth is
It's not that simple!

Jimmy Buffett, from the song "Fruitcakes"


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Church - Funny Quotes ...
FROM THE DOWN ESCALATOR

"Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God."

Lenny Bruce

"I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death."

George Carlin

"A man is accepted into a church for what he believes and he is turned out for what he knows."

Mark Twain

"Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable."

H. G. Wells

"A church is a place in which gentlemen who have never been to heaven brag about it to persons who will never get there."

H. L. Mencken


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Funny Quotes on Church ...
FROM TELEVISION

From American Dad

Father Donovan: "Look, according to the church there are no pets in heaven. Eligible for heaven: You got your men, women, children, and apes who use sign language. Not going to heaven: You got your pets, your dinosaurs, your smart types, and self-aware robots."

Just Shoot Me cast From Just Shoot Me!

Nina Van Horn: "The Church of the Rising Star is a dark and powerful religion with beliefs that stretch back to the mid-80s. So watch your back, refuse all refreshments, and don't say, 'Hi, priest' to the high priest. It's not as funny as you think."

From The Colbert Report

Stephen Colbert: "I'm disappointed that my own Catholic Church has decided that capital punishment is wrong. Which is pretty hypocritical if you think about it, because they wouldn't even have a religion if it wasn't for capital punishment."

John Doggett and Fox Mulder in a field From The X Files

Doggett: "You could find a conspiracy at a church picnic!"

Mulder: "What church?"

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Funny Church Quotes in the form of ...
FUNNY CHURCH JOKES

A mother was giving instructions to her three children as she sent them into Sunday school. She asked... "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

Her son quickly responded, "Because people are sleeping!"

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

The Sunday School teacher asked, "Johnny, do you say prayers before eating?"

"No sir," little Johnny replied, "I don't have to. My mom is a good cook."



 

THE EVER-POPULAR TORTURED SEGUE

 

thumb of man on cell phone "CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?" ... ABOVE THE DISTRACTIONS
The spirit of St. Francis just showed up to offer a parable about cell phone distraction ...



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If you know of a funny church quote that I missed, please email it to me. Provide the text of the quote and who said it (and, if you have it, a web reference where we can verify the text and the spelling of the person's name, etc.). So... email me a quote. Thanks!

 

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AUDIO CLIPS
ON ELITE POWER STRUCTURES

CATEGORY:  HISTORY, FINANCIAL — 14.FEB.2015

Rating: 4 of 5 - Very good Peak Prosperity

Either We Break the Bankster Alliances or They Will Break Us — Nomi Prins reviews the historical circumstances that led to the formation of the big-bank-controlled Federal Reserve; that is, how the financial foxes were put in charge of the public's hen house. She then explains how many rich US elites in the late 1800s/early 1900s thought that keeping money flowing and not being too draconian helped the masses, which in turn helped the elites maintain the system that provided the wealth. But some bankers were not of a mind to play the game this way, and Louis Brandeis warned: "We must break the Money Trust or the Money Trust will break us." Nomi Prins says we are headed into a new era of high banker mischief, vast income gaps, and reckless behavior among leaders and elites. She says we must take heed of Brandeis' warning and take down the banker-corporate-politician-industrial complex.
Go to page  |  Download/listen   52:45

GP comment:  I have passed on a couple of Prins interviews earlier this year, but here she is starting to step outside the envelope and address the bankster power structure as the criminal enterprise that it truly is.

Original Show Pub Date: 31.Jan.2015

CATEGORY:  MEDIA, EMPIRE — 13.FEB.2015

Rating: 4 of 5 - Very good Democracy Now

Endless War, Endless War Spin — As Obama talks about a new major cycle of the war on terror—this time against the Islamic State—Norman Solomon of the Institute for Public Accuracy says Obama talks about not being interested in "endless war" but is doing more than any previous president to engage the US in exactly that. Solomon also says Brain Williams' worst lies about war were not his exaggerations of his personal experiences reporting from danger zones but rather his parroting the war propaganda of both the Bush and Obama administrations and his failure to challenge any aspect of the corrupt endless-war agenda. Of course, all the big names in media did the same. Finally, Solomon talks about the case of CIA whistleblower Jeffrey Sterling, who has been persecuted for exposing a dodgy CIA operation to the Senate Intelligence Committee.
Watch A  |  Watch B  |  Watch C
Download/listen   17:18

GP comment:  Solomon is very good here. The title of his book gives some indication of his tone: War Made Easy: How Presidents and Pundits Keep Spinning Us to Death.

Original Show Pub Date: 12.Feb.2015 ~~ Original story titles ... Endless War? Obama Sends Congress Expansive Anti-ISIS Measure 6 Months After Bombing Began ~~ Brian Williams Suspended for False Iraq Tale, But Media's Real Scandal is the War Lies Spun Daily ~~ Was Jeffrey Sterling Trial a Gov't Effort to Divide Investigative Journalists & Whistleblowers?

CATEGORY:  EMPIRE — 11.FEB.2015

Rating: 5 of 5 - Must-listening! Uprising

Understanding the Roots of Terrorism—Theirs and Ours — Much of President Obama's record-breaking defense budget proposal will fund proxy wars around the globe. The US is training and arming Sunni tribal groups in Iraq to fight ISIS, and it may soon begin supplying weapons to the Ukrainian military against Russia. Drone strikes continue to take their toll in Yemen and elsewhere. Meanwhile, a jingoistic film called ĎAmerican Sniperí glorifies killing and demonizes Muslims with virtually no historical context. Chris Hedges says most Americans accept the myth of American rightness and do-goodism while ignoring the obvious parallels in the terrorism practiced by the US and the terrorism practiced by ISIS and their ilk. He says the empire is not only busy abroad but is also quietly pre-positioning suppressive-force capabilities on the home front, in preparation for the inevitable pushback from the masses as their impoverishment worsens.
Go to page  |  Download/listen   27:32

GP comment:  Many excellent points in this one.

Original Show Pub Date: 09.Feb.2015

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