FUNNY GAMBLING QUOTES

"Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something."

— Unknown

"I used to be a heavy gambler. But now I just make mental bets. That's how I lost my mind."

— Steve Allen

"The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling."

— Ambrose Bierce

"The urge to gamble is so universal and its practice so pleasurable that I assume it must be evil."

— Heywood Hale Broun

"Gambling promises the poor what property performs for the rich—something for nothing. "

— George Bernard Shaw

"Someone once asked me why women don't gamble as much as men do and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don't have as much money. That was a true but incomplete answer. In fact, women's total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage."

— Gloria Steinem

"In Louisiana, we don't bet on football games, we bet on whether a politician is going to be indicted or not."

— Mark Duffy

"Last year people won more than one billion dollars playing poker. And casinos made twenty-seven billion just by being around those people."

— Samantha Bee

"I don't gamble, because winning a hundred dollars doesn't give me great pleasure. But losing a hundred dollars pisses me off."

— Alex Trebek

"Casinos and prostitutes have the same thing in common; they are both trying to screw you out of your money and send you home with a smile on you face."

— VP Pappy

"Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."

— Unknown

"No wife can endure a gambling husband—unless he is a steady winner."

— Thomas Robert Dewar

"A Gentleman is a man who will pay his gambling debts even when he knows he has been cheated."

— Leo Tolstoy

"If you ain't just a little scared when you enter a casino, you are either very rich or you haven't studied the games enough."

— VP Pappy

"When your opponent's sittin' there holdin' all the aces, there's only one thing to do: kick over the table."

— Dean Martin

"If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and can't tell who the sucker is, it's you."

— Paul Newman

"In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number."

— Stephen Wright

"Baccarat is a game whereby the croupier gathers in money with a flexible sculling oar, then rakes it home. If I could have borrowed his oar I would have stayed."

— Mark Twain

"There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one."

— Jack Yelton

"The safest way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket."

— Kin Hubbard

"No dog can go as fast as the money you bet on him."

— Bud Flanagan

"The best throw with the dice is to throw them away."

— Anonymous

"In the case of an earthquake hitting Las Vegas, be sure to go straight to the Keno Lounge. Nothing ever gets hit there."

— Unknown

"Don't gamble; take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don't go up, don't buy it."

— Will Rogers

"I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five."

— Henny Youngman

"A race track is a place where windows clean people."

— Danny Thomas

"Nobody has ever bet enough on a winning horse."

— Richard Sasuly

"You know horses are smarter than people. You never heard of a horse going broke betting on people."

— Will Rogers

"One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him."

— Jeffrey Bernard

"A racehorse is an animal that can take several thousand people for a ride at the same time."

— Unknown

"Horse sense is a good judgment which keeps horses from betting on people."

— W. C. Fields

From 101 Dalmatians: The Series

Cruella de Vil: "Memo to myself: Give up gambling. It's wrong... especially if you lose money."

From Star Trek

Spock: "Captain, I'm beginning to understand why you Earthmen enjoy gambling. No matter how carefully one computes the odds of success, there is still a certain exhilaration in the risk."

From Casablanca

Captain Renault, pretending to be surprised during a Nazi inspection of Rick's: "I'm shocked—shocked!—to find that gambling is going on in here!"

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"I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle."

— Mitch Hedberg

"Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."

— Steven Wright

"God does not play dice with the universe; He plays an ineffable game of his own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players, to being involved in an obscure and complex version of poker in a pitch dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time."

— Terry Pratchett

"One of the healthiest ways to gamble is with a spade and a package of garden seeds."

— Dan Bennett