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FUNNY GAMBLING QUOTES

If you're a gambler, quote us on this: The odds are you'll love these funny gambling quotes. Who wouldn't go double-down on a page of funny quotes amount gamblers and betting? No crapping out here!

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Funny Gambling Quotes ...
GENERAL

"Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something."

Unknown

"I used to be a heavy gambler. But now I just make mental bets. That's how I lost my mind."

Steve Allen

"The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling."

Ambrose Bierce

"The urge to gamble is so universal and its practice so pleasurable that I assume it must be evil."

Heywood Hale Broun

"Gambling promises the poor what property performs for the rich—something for nothing. "

George Bernard Shaw

"Someone once asked me why women don't gamble as much as men do and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don't have as much money. That was a true but incomplete answer. In fact, women's total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage."

Gloria Steinem

"In Louisiana, we don't bet on football games, we bet on whether a politician is going to be indicted or not."

Mark Duffy

"Last year people won more than one billion dollars playing poker. And casinos made twenty-seven billion just by being around those people."

Samantha Bee

"I don't gamble, because winning a hundred dollars doesn't give me great pleasure. But losing a hundred dollars pisses me off."

Alex Trebek

"Casinos and prostitutes have the same thing in common; they are both trying to screw you out of your money and send you home with a smile on you face."

VP Pappy

"Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."

Unknown

"No wife can endure a gambling husband—unless he is a steady winner."

Thomas Robert Dewar

"A Gentleman is a man who will pay his gambling debts even when he knows he has been cheated."

Leo Tolstoy

"If you ain't just a little scared when you enter a casino, you are either very rich or you haven't studied the games enough."

VP Pappy


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Funny Gambling Quotes ...
AT THE TABLES

"When your opponent's sittin' there holdin' all the aces, there's only one thing to do: kick over the table."

Dean Martin

"If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and can't tell who the sucker is, it's you."

Paul Newman

"In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number."

Stephen Wright

"Baccarat is a game whereby the croupier gathers in money with a flexible sculling oar, then rakes it home. If I could have borrowed his oar I would have stayed."

Mark Twain


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Funny Gambling Quotes ...
TIPS FOR THE GAMBLER

"There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one."

Jack Yelton

"The safest way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket."

Kin Hubbard

"No dog can go as fast as the money you bet on him."

Bud Flanagan

"The best throw with the dice is to throw them away."

Anonymous

"In the case of an earthquake hitting Las Vegas, be sure to go straight to the Keno Lounge. Nothing ever gets hit there."

Unknown

"Don't gamble; take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don't go up, don't buy it."

Will Rogers

 
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Funny Gambling Quotes ...
PLAYING THE PONIES

"I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five."

Henny Youngman

"A race track is a place where windows clean people."

Danny Thomas

"Nobody has ever bet enough on a winning horse."

Richard Sasuly

"You know horses are smarter than people. You never heard of a horse going broke betting on people."

Will Rogers

"One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him."

Jeffrey Bernard

"A racehorse is an animal that can take several thousand people for a ride at the same time."

Unknown

"Horse sense is a good judgment which keeps horses from betting on people."

W. C. Fields

 

Funny Gambling Quotes ...
FROM MOVIES AND TV

cel of Cruella de Vil From 101 Dalmatians: The Series

Cruella de Vil: "Memo to myself: Give up gambling. It's wrong... especially if you lose money."

pic of Mr. Spock From Star Trek

Spock: "Captain, I'm beginning to understand why you Earthmen enjoy gambling. No matter how carefully one computes the odds of success, there is still a certain exhilaration in the risk."

photo of Captain Renault in Casablanca From Casablanca

Captain Renault, pretending to be surprised during a Nazi inspection of Rick's: "I'm shocked—shocked!—to find that gambling is going on in here!"

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Funny Gambling Quotes ...
FROM THE 'BEYOND ROOM'

"I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle."

Mitch Hedberg

"Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."

Steven Wright

"God does not play dice with the universe; He plays an ineffable game of his own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players, to being involved in an obscure and complex version of poker in a pitch dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time."

Terry Pratchett

"One of the healthiest ways to gamble is with a spade and a package of garden seeds."

Dan Bennett



 

THE EVER-POPULAR TORTURED SEGUE

 

thumb of city hall RESILIENT DUKES AND THE HAZARDS OF BOSS ENERGY HOG
Is your home town gambling that gasoline and diesel won't experience future shortages? That electricity outages and disruptions to critical services will be minimal? Probably. Find out what they SHOULD be doing in our article about fuel shortages and power outages.



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If you know of a funny gambling quote that I missed, please email it to me. Provide the text of the quote and who said it (and, if you have it, a web reference where we can verify the text and the spelling of the person's name, etc.). So... email me a quote. Thanks!

 

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AUDIO CLIPS
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CATEGORY:  EMPIRE — 01.SEP.2014

Rating: 5 of 5 - Must-listening! Washington Journal

Richard Gage of Architects and Engineers for 9/11 Truth on C-SPAN — Richard Gage, founder of the group Architects and Engineers for 9/11 Truth discusses their evidence that Building 7 was destroyed by controlled demolition on September 11th. The group is calling for an open investigation into the science and facts of 9/11. Topics include: why modern skyscrapers with high-stgrength steel supports cannot collapse in free fall without controlled demolition; refutation of various claims by NIST in their analysis (cover-up); and evidence for use of the high-tech demolition explosive thermite.
Watch  |  Download/listen A   39:41

GP comment:  Excellent that this got on C-SPAN. The 9/11 crime is similar to the JFK murder—if left unsolved, it will be another huge helping of impugnity for the corrupt cabal that runs things, which will ultimately lead to true totalitarianism.

Original Show Pub Date: 01.Aug.2014

CATEGORY:  FINANCIAL — 11.AUG.2014

Rating: 5 of 5 - Must-listening! Corbett Report

Century of Enslavement—The History of The Federal Reserve — War. Poverty. Revolution. They all hinge on economics. And economics rests on one key concept: money. But what is money? How is it created? Who controls it? It is remarkable that, given its central importance in our lives, not one person in a hundred can answer such basic questions about money. James Corbett's new documentary, Century of Enslavement—The History of The Federal Reserve, endeavors to enlighten the public on the machinations of the banksters over the last few centuries, culminating in 1913 in the creation of their main tool, the Federal Reserve.
Watch  |  Download/listen   1:29:57

GP comment:  Corbett is clear, cogent, and well researched on the topic. His film is not quite as engaging as The Money Masters, though it is more up-to-date.

Original Show Pub Date: 06.Jul.2014

CATEGORY:  EMPIRE — 22.AUG.2014

Rating: 3 of 5 - Good, worth a listen C-Realm Podcast

Futures Near and Far — KMO speaks with "military science fiction" novelist Linda Nagata. The themes include eroding civil liberties; cybernetics and nanotechnology; the growing power of defense contractors; and the coercions of empire. As an example of the interstection of fiction and reality, the soldiers in Nagata's novel The Bohr Maker wear powered exoskeletons, which are more advanced versions of systems actually in development by Lockheed Martin.
Go to page  |  Download/listen   59:55

GP comment:  Insect-bots and super-soldiers and Big Brother cops, oh my! Unfortunately, we are already part-way there.

Original Show Pub Date: 20.Aug.2014

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GP CARTOONS RELATED TO
Gambling

 
Gambler Nicknames Cartoon link; thumb of dice MOST AND LEAST POPULAR NICKNAMES FOR GAMBLERS
Gambler Nicknames Cartoon
 
Gambling Cartoon/Joke link; thumb of bingo player SIGNS YOU HAVE GAMBLING FEVER
Gambling Cartoon/Joke
 
flood cartoon link; thumb of duck MAIN COMPLAINTS OF PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN A FLOOD PLAIN
Flood Cartoon

FUNNY ANIMATIONS/VIDEOS
RELATED TO
Funny Gambling Quotes

funny gambling animation; thumb of characters around a roulette wheel

ROGER AND THE ROTTENTROLLS ... GET HOOKED ON GAMBLING

A cute stop-motion animation in which the daffy characters from the Rottentroll world get hooked on casino gambling. Mainly for kids but a few good lines for adults too. Watch funny gambling animation.

Related GP cartoon:
Signs You Have Gambling Fever

funny gambling ad link; thumb of logo that says 3 Moons Casino and Resort

DON’T ...
STOP GAMBLING

A clever casino ad. We're not sure if it's a put-on or not! Watch funny gambling ad.

Related GP cartoon:
Most and Least Popular Nicknames Among Gamblers

Or see more ...
Funny Animations/Videos

       
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